Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Kilt Revelations

Not that it matters to anyone but me, but in light of recent kilt news, and some other Scottish-related revelations (which I'll explain later), I've decided to declare this week all Scots week. From now until my parents get into town (Saturday), I shall regal you, my 2 readers, with Scottish and Kilt related insights, starting with....

UTILIKILTS!!!! Thanks to a friend of mine from work who I happen to have utterly strange and fascinating conversations with, I now know that these fanciful things exist. These are awesome. And I love the names and varieties they have for these. I mean The Mocker, The Survival Kilt, The Spartan, The Tuxedo. Let's just stop there for a moment. They actually made a kilt with a tuxedo stripe down the side. The kilt when you have a fancy suit and tie function to go to. If Sean Connery was still playing Bond, He would've worn this kilt instead of tuxedo pants. Or more to the point, he should've. Because Awesome!!! And then you have the Utilikilt they have lovingly deemed The Leather, with which they have captioned it "Pure Sex, Baby. 'Nuff said." True Dat. Very True Dat. I mean, did you see? With the corset pleating in the back? It's wrong and yet so right all in the same Utilikilt.

My only quibble? Not enough plaid. No plaid actually. But that's o.k. I forgive them that minor transgression, because these fine people put a tool belt on a kilt and that's fine by me!!!

Kilt Shortage

There's so many things about this story that it's hard to know where to begin.

First off, there's actually kilt shortage? In Scotland? Really? No, I mean, Really? O.k., so I get that the goverment contracted out to have the kilts made and because of govemental red tape, they aren't done. But couldn't said regiment, or troops, or army-kilt-wearing-guys just like, I don't know, run out to the local Scotsman's store (If it's not Scottish, it's Crap, or so sayeth the ole' SNL skit) and just buy a makeshift kilt that served their needs until kilts were made? Because, the thing is, the sharing of kilts? There is so much ew in connection with that statement, that there just isn't enough ew to go around. O.k., this might be a horrible stereo types, but aren't most kilts typically warn sans underwear? Does a poor regimental soldier really need to borrow a kilt that Shamus went commando in? And, if the guy's stationed in Iraq, there's the possibility that he not only went commandoed it up but had a rather sweaty time in it to boot. That is just so wrong.

Scottish goverment types; Fix this. Your army deserves better than to have to share sweaty, soiled, commandoed kilts amongst themselves.

Monday, December 18, 2006


So all you need to know about my adventure in seeing Eragon was that I fell on the way to the theatre, ripping my favorite pair of jeans, scuffing my favorite boots and skinning my knees in the process. And that's it.

Oh, you wanted to know about the movie. My bad. It's just that... It's really hard to... It's not that good. There I said it. Look, I'm not proud of it either. I know I hyped this one up, and therefore I made my expectations high, so its my own fault. I'm just not very happy with it. The casting is great. Jeremy Irons did better than I expected, especially given the material he had to work with, Rachel Weisz voicing Saphira was an especially nice touch and dear Jesus did Bigby just chew through as much scenery as he possibly could. The problem was very much not the actors but the script.

Look, I understand that the book is freaking huge. I poured over it. I have an estimation as
to how much ground they had to cover, but I was reasonably assured that they could cover such ground. Yes there, would have to be holes and many things left unsaid, but the important things could still be covered, but they weren't. And in some instances, things were brought up, but never explained fully. A lot of exposition was put out there, but it wasn't given the breadth and width the book gave it. Show, don't tell is what I'm saying. Don't get all expositiony about magic, and the words used to evoke it, unless you show more of it. Give me a two minute montage of him fighting and training and using magic with Brom, and I've got it. Don't say a bunch of crap about it, and then just glaze over it. That's cheap.

And don't introduce characters and then give them no context or texture for why they are introduced. Like the introduction of Murtagh. Fighting Nun was like "What was that all about? Hi I'm Murtagh. I'm weird and helping you escape." and I had to be all "Well, they had to introduce him, because he was really important, and is really important to the second book, oops I've said too much." And yeah, he is a key character, but the way in which he's introduced and dealt with throughout the rest of the movie makes him feel so one note. And Angela, good lord in heaven was that ever done wrong. First off, the book made her out to be less of a young mystic and more of an older wisened sage, so that was miscasting right there, secondly, her cat, lynx, whatever they heck it was, was never shown, and he had some integral things to add to the story, namely that Eragon could make thought connections to other animals, not just his dragon. But this was another way in which they dangle an important character/plot point in your face only to rip it away just as suddenly. If you're going to make mention of his future, go all the way with it, don't wuss out!

And then we have the whole deal with the Vardan. I thought"they've got to spend some time there. Eragon's got more training to complete, the twins to deal with (and the twins were never introduced, which I guess I should count my blessings there, seeing as how that would've been another thing they botched up), and *spoiler alert for those of you who haven't read the second book* a baby to bless. Surely some of that has to be covered." But no, they just went straight to the effing battle. And I guess I can forgive that if the battle scene was really good, but... it wasn't. It was o.k., but it all felt rushed to get straight to the battle with the shade, and that itself felt rushed. The way that battle took place was in and of itself totally wrong. And plus *another spoiler alert*, bitch better get cut by the shade's blade. It is important!!! But no, that's just another thing they didn't touch on. Grrr!

My main problem with the movie adaptation is that Paolini crafted a very lavish, expansive story that I thought was made for the big screen, and the way this movie approached the material made it feel as if that expansiveness, the feeling Paolini captured so well in the book, wasn't worth trying to capture on film. Overall, I give it a B-, more like a C+. It pains me to do so, given the high hopes I had for it, but that's all it deserves.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Do you know what Day it is?

It's December 15th! And do you know what that means? Eragon gets released in theatres. Do you know where my but is going to be tonight or this weekend? That's right. In a cushy theatre seat, gummy bears in one hand a large diet coke in the other, sitting back and watching the show...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

My Boys

So, uhm, I hate to admit it, but I like this show. I didn't want to like this show. I didn't even want to watch this show. But this show caught me at a vulnerable period in my TV watching (read: Prison Break's Holiday Hiatus. MAHONE! *Sniff* Kellerman, you magnificent bastard you.). There was nothing on last night so I had to find some way to fill the void. So I watched My Boys. No, I'm not proud of it either.

But its actually decent. It gets the girl-trying-to-be-one-of-the-guys-whilst-still-being-a-girl dichotomy pretty well. And it gets that guys club thing down pretty well too. I mean, I pretty much lived that during college. Only difference was that Fighting Nun and I were in a committed relationship and there was never that girl-trying-to-be-one-of-the-guys-whilst-crushing-on-one-of-the-guys tension there. I was and still am in some respects the girl in the guys club. I go to Hooters. I let Fighting Nun and Driver's License ogle the girls and make jokes. I fit in with that realm of things rather well, so its nice to see that it's represented well in this series.

Here is my one quibble with the show, and its not so much something thats wrong with the show as something that might be wrong with me. Kyle Howard. No listen, let me explain. There is nothing wrong with him, or with him in the role. He's quite good actually. It's just that I kept watching the show the whole time like "Who's the reasonably hot, scruffy guy she happens to be crushing on? Kyle Howard? I know I know that name. How do I know that name? He looks like that cute kid from The Paper Brigade but all growed up and cute and stuff. That can't be possible can it? Can it?" Turns out it can be possible. Which makes me feel impossibly old. And I'm not old. We're the same age, Kyle and I. It's just that the three roles I happen to know him from date me. I mean The Paper Brigade? Baby Geniuses? (Yes I saw this. Shut up!) Orange County? Prove my age both literally and mentally. Do I have any good excuse for seeing The Paper Brigade in college when I was somewhat mature and should've known better? No. Do I have any good excuse for watching Sky High every time it comes on cable now (I blame Bruce Campbell myself. I mean Sonic Boom? Awesome!)? No. But have I watched such veritae and do I continue to do so for no good reason at all? Yes. Yes I do. And I have no good reason for doing so other than I am still mentally 14 years old. So I'm at odds with myself about this show for this one reason. I like the show. I recommend it actually but I'd like it more if I didn't have to grapple with the romantic lead in the show being the same kid in The Paper Brigade. That makes no sense at all does it? I have unbelievably odd Pop Culture fixations, don't I? Sigh. Yeah, I kind of figured.

Well, there's something I didn't know...

Bloody Munchkin: Stop putting that pillow on my face.
Fighting Nun: But its my justice pillow. It has to go on your face.
Bloody Munchkin: Your justice pillow?
Fighting Nun: Yeah my justice pillow. I no longer have the underwear, so now I have to have a justice pillow.
Bloody Munchkin: Justice underwear? Like Justice League underwear? We've been together since the Clinton administration. In that time, I have never known you to own Justice League underwear.
Fighting Nun: I didn't say I've had them in the recent past. But I did have them.
Bloody Munchkin: At the time that you had them, could they may have technically been called Justice League Underoos?
Fighting Nun: Look it. They were Justice League Underwear. I could *Fight Crime* in them.
Bloody Munchkin: *Snerf, Spfff* Bwahahahahahaha.
Fighting Nun: Look. I could. The only thing they weren't impervious to were taco tracks. I was done in by the cafeteria Chimichanga. So good. So evil.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Made-Up Band Names: New Submission

I proudly introduce one of my more favorite made-up band names ever:

Zeus Hates Whitey

That's got some sort of ska band written all over it.