Friday, September 29, 2006

Money Opportunity

I have a great idea! I have a solution for this terrible time when poor helpless people are being attacked by "aggressive" squirrels (they have big pointy teeth). It's time for my dog to get a job, that's right kissinger you now have a full time job. I'm going to drive the dog to the park every morning to help these poor poor people. The dog's job will be chase the squirrels and teach them a thing or two about the civilized society we live in. I figure he can work off tips and at worst can at least feed himself on what he catches during the day.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Scenes From a Dentist's Chair

So, up until about a month ago, I hadn't been to a dentist in two years (shhh! Don't tell my mom). So I broke down and went a month or so ago. Yesterday I had to go back in to get a cavity filled. Can I just say that Dentists offices are a special brand of hell in and of themselves? Because they are. I never quite remember how much I dislike the experience, which is probably good for me, because if I remember how aweful each and every visit is, I probably would be quite worse with my dental care regime than I am, because Evil!!!

It's not that I hate dentists. Most dentists I've ever been too have been personable enough. Although my last one was a bit abrupt and a bit aggressive on the flossing thing. I really didn't appreciate the flossing tutorial, I'll just say. This dentist is nice. He seems like a good-natured guy, his staff is nice and one of his aides complimented my hair. His office is nice and pleasant, doesn't feel as antiseptic and unwelcoming as some. That part I'm good with. It's just well, It's a dentist. The light, the noise, the inspection. I just dread it. DREAD IT!

Here's a few snippets of my inner monologue during the process.

So what was I coming in for today? Did he want to talk to me about evening out my bite, or was it about the night guard again, or was I getting the pesky cavity filled? I hope it wasn't a cavity fill. I've got to prepare myself for something like that first. Really I do. Aw, his dentist technician seems nice. It's nice that she's asking about my commute home. I wonder why she cares. "Will you be able to call someone if you feel woozy?" Why would I feel woozy. It's not like he's going to numb me. Oh crap, he is going to numb me. No, no he can't. Because I'm not coming in for a cavity fill. Am I?

Thanks for instructing me to lie down Mr. Dentist Man, but with your little automatic chair thingie, it's not like I really had a choice. So can we skip the semantics?

He's going to play a movie why he's all in my mouth. That's rather nice of him. Josh Grobin Live. I've heard of Josh Grobin. Not really heard his music, but my friends say he's cute, maybe this won't be so bad after all... Uhm, is he singing in English? And why is he warbling off key? I... don't understand?

So, uhm, he just used the little blue stick of numbiness on me. I think, yes I think this is a cavity fill...

BIG NEEDLE! BIG NEEDLE IN CHEEK! BIG EFFING NEEDLE IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW! AUGH! THIS, THIS IS WHAT I MENTALLY NEEDED TO PREPARE FOR. Your warbling and all those violins are not helping me right now Josh Grobin! Why didn't you tell me there'd be a big needle in my mouth right now, Josh Grobin, if that is your real name? Thanks for your hand nurse. Yes I know I'm squeezing hard, but there's a big needle, see, in my mouth, see? And it's kind of freaking me out right now. If I had time and the capacity to actually talk right now, I'd recount the story why I hate HATE needles, regarding pain medication that got injected in my buttocks when I got my Appendix taken out at the tender age of 14 and the needle I bent to tarnation because it hurt and I jumped and now I hate needles, but I can't recount that story because my mouth is numb right now and... Why'd you hand me safety goggles? Is that really necessary?

By the sound of the drill, and the five hundred instrument you just sat down in my mouth, I see that the safety goggles are a necessary precaution. Why am I suddenly thinking about that machine in A Clockwork Orange? Maybe Kubrick's inspiration for it is a dentist's chair.
O.k., so this Josh Grubin is pretty cute. He's kind of got a fro that he's working pretty well. I just... don't get the music. I... Oh dude. The dentist is coming back at me with all manner of... Don't want to know. Must close eyes. Should not look at the devil's tools currently residing in my mouth. But I must look at Josh Grobin's fro. Although... more warbling again. Yeah, I guess I'll pass... Closing eyes now.

Jaw tired. Must close mouth. Wow. I didn't know I'd get shunned for closing my mouth. Great a bite block. Why don't you just give me a bridle and tempt me with a carrot while you're at it. Pull on the reigns and ride me on in to town why don't cha?

O.k., so Josh Grobins like lead violinist or whatever? Very cute? She's rockin that violin hard ya'll, seriously.

O.k., more things involving needles, yes I understand it's only the composite and is not technically being inserted anywhere important, anywhere I can feel at least, but I don't want to see it. I just don't.

Ow! Or at least I think ow, but I don't actually feel ow, but I see blood. Yes he apologized for pinching my lip, but still. I'm bleeding over here. In the immortal words of Nelson "You made me bleed my own blood!" And do I feel any difference? You really have the nerve to ask me that? What do you think? You just filled my left jaw with enough novacaine to fell an elephant and you ask me if I CAN FEEL ANY DIFFERENCE? No. And also, don't expect to carry on a conversation with me, because I am dribbling right now and am not capable of it. Also, do me a big favor; when you are talking to me, address me. Because there were like nine different times when I thought you were instructing me to do something and you were actually talking to your assistant but I didn't know it so I made some sound trying to convey that I didn't hear you, and you're all, "Don't move. Don't talk." Well not my fault Mr. Glumbles-Instructions. I get confused easy.

SHUT UP JOSH GROBIN! Shut up Josh Grobin's singing, shut up Josh Grobin's spastic violin section with the swaying of drunkenness, shut up Josh Grobin's squinting while singing, and God help me, shut up Josh Grobin's hair. You are not helping right now.

And I'm done. Dude, just dude. Stupid Josh Grobin.

Damn You Sweeps!!!!

Damn You all to Hell! Look, I'm taking a class alright. My brain is much from 8 hours of working, plus another three I feel I must put in on class work every night, but you make it so hard. Soooo Hard. Mostly because of the pretty.

What was I watching last night that I swore I wasn't going to watch last night? Jericho. Why? Skeet Ulrich. Yes, he's seen better, prettier days. But darn it, it's Skeet Ulrich. No what else I can't watch on Tuesday nights because that's the night of my class? Stand Off. Know why I want to watch it? I think the answer is obvious... Ron Livingston with a side of Micheal Cudlitz. Know what else premiered last night? Kidnapped (which I recorded). Know why I have to watch Kidnapped? Jeremy Sisto. His dimples command me. Can you say no to the dimples and the curl-fro that will not stop? Well, I know my husband can, but that's besides the point.

And then there's Monday nights. I'm so Prison Break's bitch. I'm sorry but Wentworth Miller + William Lichtner = Bloody Munchkin's eyes glued to TV. And I can't watch any of it with any regularity until 2007 because I'm taking a class. I'm so hurt right now. I'm just going to curl up in a corner and wimper until next year's sweeps...

Monday, September 18, 2006

The only Willie Nelson Story You'll Ever Need

"Willie Nelson Cited for Drug Possession"

I love this story. I love the fact the arresting officer's name is Willie Williamson. I love that he smelled a strong odor of marijuana when he entered the tour bus. I love how they listed out every illegal substance he had in his possession. I love that he was busted with a misdeamenor charge. I love the fact that everyone named in the story could theoretically be a card-carrying member of AARP. I love Crazy, Druggie Willie. Oh Willie, don't ever stop you old coot you!

Also uttered during The Amazing Race

"There are two teams with hot girls in it. I.... I'm so happy. Who do I choose? I've never been faced with this problem before."

Uttered while watching The Amazing Race

"Rednecks are cool"

Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Guessing Game

You ever have a conversation with somebody revolving around some small little pop culture minutia and then all the sudden they make some reference to an actor, only they don't remember the exact actor, but he only had a lead part, like once, and he played a detective, he thinks, and the name of the movie had maybe, two letters in it, they think, and that guy was also in another movie was about some like, I don't know, court case or something, with some blond headed lady, they think? So then you spend the next fifteen minutes trying to guess who they were talking about, trying to pinpoint they movie they were in with that actress who did that one thing that one time, but was also in this movie, about some court case or something*? And then you spend another fifteen minutes on Imdb just trying to figure out what the hell they were just talking about, and another five minutes on top of that trying to figure out if they knew what they were talking about?

Yeah, that's annoying. Listen sometimes it can't be avoided. There's odd little pop culture detritus stuck in all of our brains and we might not quite remember what said piece of detritus once belonged to, and sometimes we need help figuring that out. Or maybe we're a bit forgetful and we just can't seem to recall these sort of things. I get that, but there are limits people. LIMITS. Don't go asking tons of pop culture questions I don't have the answers for because I will HAVE to find those answers because I didn't have the answer from the getgo so now your question has become my question and I MUST SOLVE IT or it will bug me all day. ALL DAY.

So do me a favor, mmmkay? Next time we have a conversation about movies or actors or whatever the hell, either come up with something concrete, or go answer your own questions on Imdb first, and then we can talk about the movie or actor in question ad nauseum. But don't expect me to do the ground work for you (although I probably will because I'm a completist that way) because if you don't know how wonderfully the Imdb actor search and the Google Image Search work in unison, you're a hopeless case and we shouldn't be friends.

*The answers to the above pop culture cunundrum were, in order Peter Coyote, E.T., Glenn Close, 101 Dalmations and The Jagged Edge. Got all that? Understand my annoyance now?

Friday, September 08, 2006

Love You Xanthia

My best friend in the whole wide world since, well the Clinton administration and also a contributor to this website, Xanthia, is having a down week. She just lost her grandmother a few days and could use some solice and support right now.

So this is me, sending you a virtual hug right now. Call me if you need me. I'm always here for you. Except when I leave my cellphone in my purse and you can't get ahold of me when you really need me. That makes me a only sorta good friend.

I've got a shoulder and it's been thoroughly prepared for a good lean and a good cry if you need it.

The Bloody Munchkin.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Shortest, Most Absurd E-mail Ever

"Go with Dick."

Actual e-mail I recieved today. I... yeah. So many jokes, so little time.

Michael Cudlitz Needs More Work

O.k., so I occasionly post stuff about celebrities who have regrettable careers. I realize I haven't done so in awhile and I haven't done much in the way of posts period in the past couple of months, and unfortunately, thanks to my full workload and the addition of taking a class this fall, the amount of posts are going to be more sparse, but that's besides the point. The point is that for every actor with a regrettable career, there is a deserving actor who needs more work, who deserves the sort of media saturation that the actor with the regrettable career is or has recieved.

For every Rob Schnieder there is a David Krumholtz, or something like that. For every time I bag on some poor bastard who decided to be involved in another regrettable National Lampoon's movie, I'd like to lift someone else up, some one deserving, someone like.... Michael Cudlitz. I know exactly what you're going to say. You're going to say "Bloody Munchkin, the dude is currently in a TV series. With Ron Livingston even. I'm sure he's doing fine for himself." To which I have to say "But how are we, as a collective society doing? How are we doing REALLY? Because, as a collective unit, I think we could really use more Micheal Cudlitz." And I truly do believe that. More Micheal Cudlitz in all his forms. Swat Team Michael, Car Salesman Michael, Zombie High Schooler Michael, Sleeping with High School Girls Group Leader Michael, World War II Michael. Michael, in all of his reincarnations, is needed in order for us, as a nation to become stronger and more self assured.

Maybe the arguement is that he really doesn't need more work. I mean, I am looking at the same IMDb profile as you are. Just one look at his c.v. proves that he's doing his part to be everything to everyone. I mean, have you looked at it? It's a rap sheet as long as my arm. Dude is doing his part to be ubiquitous is what I'm saying. But are we doing our part to take notice? Are we really? I mean, I know I'm not. Half the stuff he's been in I haven't seen, and he deserves more than that from me. He's Michael Cudlitz for Christ Sake. Is his supporting role in Stand Off going to suffice for me week after week, now that I know the width and breadth of his back catalog? I don't know, but it's a start. Do your part to make sure Michael Cudlitz gets the recognition he deserves.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

An Open Letter to Chuck Norris after his Sidekicks Screening

Dear Chuck Norris;

I think it's great that you're trying to breath some life into your dieing film career by trying to do something other than the really bad fitness infomercials with Christy Brinkley. Really I do. As long as it's not Walker Texas Octagenarian I'm all over it. And I think it's really great that you're doing projects for your charity. Really, it's awesome. Truly.

It's just... I just don't think that screening Sidekicks is the way to do that see? I can't even watch that movie ironically anymore (R.I.P. Jonathon Brandis *Sniff*). Not that everyone has the same emotional attachment as me, but still, out of all the movies you've done, you picked Sidekicks to screen? Sidekicks? Really? Because not only has that movie gone from awesome, to awesomely cheesy, to awesomely lame, to lame and then to sad (See: Jonathon Brandis *Sniff*) in the course of it's life, but I honestly think that now, in this day and age, a shirtless Piscapo can do more harm than good, even if it is for charity.

So please, keep this one in the closet where it belongs, I don't care if Beau Bridges needs the Royalties or not.