Thursday, February 23, 2006

Baby Huey Is My Co-pilot...

(Pete Levine for Congress!!!)

...Or, at least he should be.

I was going through a strange bit of ennui today, and then Fighting Nun sent me this and a couple of sound bites from this guy (which if I were brighter and less lazy, I'd link to) and it totally made my day.

Since the Olympics started, I've been a bit enamored with this guy. I mean how could you not. He's that Starbucks commercial where that guy has his own personal cheering section following him going "Hank, Hank, Hank", except he is one guy, and he is all sorts of awesome. How could you not want to shred the mountain with this guy cheering you on. "Come on Bloody Munchkin, put the hammer down." O.k. Mr. Baby Huey, I've never skiied before but because you've got such a demanding presence, yes, yes I will."

Any other cheering section in the whole of the Olympics has paled in comparison to this man. The German Bobsled coaches? They try, what with the gutteral screams and all, but they lack the key phrases like "Put it down" and "It's your day today." to really get me going. Who ever has the cowbell up in the luge stands, well, it needs more cow bell compared to this guy.

I'm convinced this guy needs to be my personal motivator. Can you imagine how utterly awesome that would be. He'll just be sitting behind me at work, and any time I'm lacking in motivation all "Blah, blah, blah writer's block, blah, blah, blah bored", he'd be all "Come on Bloody. Get it done blood. (That's the nickname I think he would give me.) It's your day. " And I'd be instantly ready to tackle my task. He'll be back in Tahoe when this is all said and done, not to far from me, I wonder if he needs a job.

In short. Baby Huey, you have an awesome nickname, you are utterly awesome and I would so much like to be your friend. Coffee's on me when you get back from Torino. What do ya say?

Crawling out of Grey

It's been over a week since my last post. I apologize for not updating but I've been dealing with some personal issues that have gotten me to start writing seriously again (Good!), just not here (Bad!) which sucks, because that part of my brain that catalogues and stores all this awesome, inane pop-culture-y crap has been supercharged as of late, but I can't find the time and energy to put it all together. Between the moving and the work and the other personal issues that have come up and all the Olympics I have tivoed and need to watch? No time for posting.

Not a good excuse, but bear with me. I feel the floodgates open and the creativity about to pour out, it'll just take time...

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Olympics Opening Ceremonies Or....

So this is a game I like to call Olympic Opening Ceremonies Or... in which you the reader come up with your caption for what is really going on. Feel free to add your ideas in the comments. Here we go.

Olympic Opening Ceremonies Or....

A) A pyromaniacs loving ode to Tron
B) A volcanic helmet test gone awry
C) A literal definition of what spandex really is: Flaming

Olympic Opening Ceremonies Or...

A) A giant red orgy
B) A mass butt sniffing (Dude, Who pootered, we must all hand our heads down in shame

Olympic Opening Ceremonies Or...

A) Picasso's rendition or performance art?

Seriously, that's the best I can come up with. This part was just... wierd really.

Opening Ceremonies Or...

A) Heffer: The Icecapades.
B) Udder: The Musical.

You know, this one is just too chewy. I'll wait to see what the comments have to say...

Olympics Opening Ceremonies

O.k., so I know I said I’d dotingly recap the Olympics. I was hoping to go day by day, but with this whole house buying thing and what with cleaning and packing, things aren’t going as I had planned. But I have for you the Opening Ceremony, lovingly recapped.

Here goes…

8:00: We open with the lovely “Look at the landscape, look at the architecture. The backdrop for the Olympics is Sooooo beautiful montage.” Like we weren’t expecting that…
8:01 The “Italy is beautiful” montage quickly morphs into the Athlete Montage. Nice segue. And what is with the narrator trying to channel James Earl Jones and failing. Yo buddy, this isn’t CNN and You are not his father.
8:03 The “Italy is beautiful” montage morphs to Athlete Montage morphs to “U.S. Olympic Athletes Kick Ass” montage. Who would’ve seen that coming?
8:04 Figure Skating Montage! Sweet!
8:05 “A City of succulent style”. Did he just say that? What the hell did that mean?
8:06 The announcer tries to pronounce peninsula correctly and fails.
8:09 Bode Miller, blah blah blah. If he’s their big story for the whole Olympics, there might be a dull spork residing in one of my eye sockets by the end of this two weeks. Also, the Flying Tomato has to be the best nickname in the history of the games.
8:17 Downhill skiing practice. Why are we watching practice runs? Oh, so Fighting Nun and I can argue about the blue lines being course limitations or if they are merely suggestions, which apparently they are. And we’re also watching it so I can apparently have little heart palpitations and gasp every three seconds because every jump, every turn these guys look like they are going to biff it and there is going to be a yard sale on that very hill of skis, mitts and internal organs. I’m not sure I have the fortitude that watching this sport commands. Also, the announcers. “Stiffness in his hips” Hee! Am I recapping Olympics or porn you decide…
8:28 The announcers again. “Massive and strong” also a strong contender for Olympics or porn or romance novel. “Massive and Strong”. Jesus.
8:34 Fighting Nun pleads with me and the Tivo to fast forward past the first of probably 9500 Bode Miller interviews sure to take place during these games. I comply.
8:46 Shawn White, The Flying Tomato. This kid is a big dork. Therefore I’m totally rooting for him.
8:54 Can we hurry up with the ceremony? Jesus!
8:55 Costas, or as Fighting Nun likes to call him. Costass. First of all, what is with the hair? This starts off a fun little game Fighting Nun and I have come up with called “Toupee or Grecian Formula” which we’re going to play every time he comes on screen. It is real easy. Anytime costas comes on, pause your Tivo, stare at the marvel that is a cross between Hasselpouf and the feathery Lief Garret but with some bacon grease added on top for color and argue “Is he wearing a hair peace or is that some bad coloring?” Its going to be the mobius strip of these fair games people. Also, Shut up Costas. Just for good measure.
8:58 Team USA close up. Team Hats close up, to which Fighting Nun said “Who designed the hats? Some goth dude who was listening to too much Duran Duran while doing so? What the hell is that?”
8:59 Chris Witty is one manly woman. Wowza.
9:04 The Opening Ceremonies, finally! The opening ceremonies have provided me with a fun game I like to call “opening ceremonies or…” which I played quite vigorously. I’ll explain in a separate post. Stay tuned.
9:05 There are rollerblades and skateboards in the Opening Ceremonies. What the heck is this? Also, I knew that the director for the remake of Rollerball has been unemployed for quite some time now, but did they have to give him work as the costume designer of the opening ceremonies, because really. I haven’t seen this much pyrotechnics since the Green Day concert. The Opening Ceremonies are turning into some strange Rollerball meets Cirque Du Soliel meets Stomp hybrid.
9:07 A “Beating Heart” is displayed on stage. Thanks Costas, because that really looked like a red orgy on stage.
9:08 The red flaming dude. Hee! I said “red flaming” apparently he’s supposed to be the “sparks of passions” Again, am I recapping the Winter Olympics or a romance novel over here?
9:09 Alps Horns, Ricola dudes in liederhosen. Skating Christmas trees. Skating Cowprint. I have no idea if I’m still recapping the opening ceremonies or if I have somehow taken a hit of acid, because surreal.
9:10 Fighting Nun “We are doing the magical dance of the heffer.” Thene there are these moving cow statues. And yet even more liederhosen. I’m overcome with tears of laughter and joy. If the compulsory dance section features these awesome cow print outfits, I’d watch ad nauseum.
9:15 Some Georgio Armani outfits are featured which leads Fighting Nun and I to have an interesting discussion about whether or not we’ve accidently started watching Logan’s Run.
9:26 What’s with the ski dudes on stage? Its like Picasso performance art. You have to tilt your head to look at it and even then you don’t know what it is. Those crazy Italians.
9:28 Can I just say that a bunch of people all wearing climbing headlamps makes me feel less geeky.
9:34 More Cirque Du Soliel. Fighting Nun and I are seeing them on Friday. I’m skipping this part.
9:36 Let the pageantry of Nations begin. Only Five Albanians? That’s sad. Andorra. Poor Andorra.
9:38 Fighting Nun “God Forbid we miss a country. Jesus.”
9:39 Argentina. “At least they’ve got beanies. Armenia had dunce caps.” Fighting Nun and I then discuss all the team hats presented from this point on, until Fighting Nun falls asleep thirty minutes later, leaving me to point out hats on my own. Also, the dress. The dress they’ve forced the poor girls who hold up the signs with the names of the countries? Is the ugliest dress in all of creation. And I should know. I read GFY on a daily basis. It has mountains on it people. That’s just not a fashion statement anyone should make, least of all the Olympic costuming people. Not right!
9:43 Azerbaigan? What? They didn’t get hats. Poor guys. We should’ve taken up a collection. Bermuda. One guy. You know they’ve known to wear Bermuda shorts in the past. But they didn’t this time. Disappointing…
9:47 Brazil. Interesting Hats. Bullgaria has fuzzy hats. Canada has fuzzier hats with little ear flaps. I like Canada
9:52 The Blossom hat has made its rousing return with the Chinese. I do not know why.
9:54 I like Costa Rica’s Beanies. Denmak has the strangest looking earmuffs. Also, Go Ethiopia.
10:02 Germany rendered me blind with their green. Also, “Speeding White Sausage”. That just over took Flying Tomato as the best nick name. Also a contender for “Am I recapping the Olympics or Porn.”
10:07 Me and the Olympics Music Committee need to have a talk. “Funky Town” You have got to be kidding me.
10:09 Grandma Luge, I salute you!
10:10 Israel. OMG the announcers did not just mention Munich. You have got to be kidding me.
10:12 Kyrgyztan! Best named country ever! Also, awesome hats.
10:14 Luxembourg has a team? Who Knew?
10:18 “Sweet Dreams”? Jesus!
10:19 Mongolia officially has my vote for awesomest Olympic hat ever! Fuzzy and furry and long. Also “Video Killed The Radio Star” The music selections. I don’t understand it.
10:20 Men’s Cross Country Relay Skiing. That’s actually a sport?
10:21 New Zealand, you tried admirably to get my vote for best hat, but Mongolia surpassed you. I am sorry. Signed. The Bloody Munchkin.
10:30 Slovenia – The Green color is scaring me. Also “YMCA” I have officially thrown my hands up in the air in disgust.
10:31 USA! USA! Chris Witty! See Above. USA! USA! Shut Mrs. Bush! O.k. that was a little counter-patriotic. Also, bad hats. See Above. Flying Tomato! Lindsay Jocobellis has poodle hair. Shut Up on Bode! Yeeach already.
10:39 Tajikistan. Awesome. “Jump” by Van Halen. Not awesome.
10:45 Italy. What is with the Jetsony overcoats? I haven’t seen that much gold metallic clothing since I cleaned out my grandmother’s closet.
10:51 Go Flame Go!
10:53 Flag Twirling. Blech. Thank you Tivo Fast forward.
10:55 The Olympics are proving once again that they are ripping from Cirque Du Soliel
10:56 These Moon Things are scary and very Baren von Munchhousen.
11:02 The Ferrari is actually pretty cool. What can I say?
11:15 The Olympic Flag. “The Women Of distinction.” That is just plain awesome really. And Susan Surandon is just incredible.
11:20 Apparently, we went from women of distinction to men of indistinction. But the knock-off robin hood hats? Kind of awesome.
11:27 Another Cirque du Olympics piece kicks off that I can only call “Brokeback Acrobatics” This is promptly where I shut off the TV and drag Fighting Nun’s sleeping carcass off the couch and to bed. The only thing you need to know about the last 30 minutes is Yoko Ono needs to cram it, Luciano Pavaratti needs to lay off the Grecian Formula and the Fireworks need to end. Amen.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Hey Mike Wise...

Shut Up! No, seriously, shut up! You're article did nothing but frustrate me. And do not, DO NOT call the Olympics the Look-at-me games. The athletes don't want the celebrity, they just want to compete, to be part of something that is bigger than themselves. Sure, all of them want to win, but most of them aren't out there to trot out for your dog and pony show. And honestly, you, the media, created the dog and pony show that the athletes just have to put up with in the first place. If "their antics" annoy you that much, don't watch, and don't report about it in a holier than thou manner, because that's not what the athletes want.

(Finding a Happy Place, Finding a Happy Place. Breathe In, Breathe Out)

Sorry, I just find that sort of finger-pointing journalism infuriating. The only thing I even halfway liked about this article was when he called Michelle Kwan the Susan Lucci of Figure-skating. Hee! In happier news...

Opening Ceremonies are tonight Bitches! Anybody trying to part me and my Tivo from the opening ceremonies will meet my vengeful wrath!!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Olympics are almost here ya'll!!!

Eee! Friday is Opening Ceremonies, and I almost can't handle it!!! It's getting so bad that I actually Eeked loudly on the bridge on the way home when they played an Olympics spot. I'm shvitzing over here I'm so excited! (Actually, I have no idea if I'm actually shvitzing or not, but I'm still freaking excited!! The Olympics, people!!! Bring it on!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Life is Truly, Truly Great...

When you get to see the thing from the diagram first hand. When you get to hold it, and be in awe of its, well, see for yourself...

This one is labeled "Soft and Texturized".

This one's glossy.

This just keeps getting better and better.

Life is Truly Great...

Better than it was before when a second e-mail with a diagram, even more glorious than the first appears in your inbox:

How does one proceed with all this, dare I say, Chewy Goodness? Lightning never strikes in the same place twice, but somehow it did today. This graphic doesn't have any of the great text really describing it as the first one did, such as "Water In" and "Friction Fit", yet I really think the image speaks for itself, don't you?

Tears of Mirth People. Tears of Mirth, that's what work has brought me today...

O.k., See, No.

O.k., see this is just wrong. Not that I don't wanna knock these guys for expressing themselves and all, put, the faux-fu-manchu, or the pseudo-pornstache, or however you want to label it, should not happen in a modern civilization. And there should certianly not, under any circumstances, be a revival of this stache. At all. Ever.

It's not the facial hair I'm quibbling with per say. Fighting Nun has stopped shaving until our purchase of our house is final and official, and I'm fine with that. But he is grooming his facial hair and beard in such a way that does not evoke 70's porn music playing in my head when he enters a room. Any time a "wakka-wakka-onsa-onsa" beat plays as inner theme music in somebody's brain when you and your stache enter a room (and the stache is probably entering the room before you are, but that's besides the point) you should rethink your grooming routine.

This kinda mustache evokes in me the same sort of reaction I have to trucker hats: confusion and repulsion. I, I just don't understand it. I don't understand how people who are not in their 40's, overweight, not driving anything with Yosemite Sam or Naked Girl mud flaps decides that these two things are good looks. I further do not understand how either of these things can become a trend. I get that ugly is the new pretty among certain circles, but that still doesn't explain why on God's Green Earth, someone would inflict themselves with this kind of ugly. I just... I don't know.

Life Is Great....

When I receive something this awesome in my e-mail inbox.

Three guesses as to what this pertains to. No, I don't work in a company that makes sexual devices (Pervert)!! Although it certainly looks that way. Try again....

(This drawing sent me into a giggle fit. I can't believe our e-mail filters didn't filter it out....

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Analyzing The Strokes

Thanks to the cover of the new SPIN issue, Fighting Nun and I had the following conversation last night;
Bloody Munchkin (ME): Dude, I know we're about to have dinner and all, and I really don't wanna effect our appetites, but what the HELL is with Fabrizio's mustache?
Fighting Nun: I have no idea.
BM: I mean seriously. It's like the worst parts of the 70's pornstache and the Tom Selleck Magnum PI stache combined. Not a good look. Drew Barrymoore was going out with that?
FN: Really? Ew gross, she could have at least gone out with the decent looking one in the group. What is her problem?
BM: Whatever it is, it is the same problem she had when she married Tom Green for crying out loud. And also, are we looking at the same cover? Because I'm not sure there really is a decent looking one in the group.
FN: Well, I mean I'm a dude so I'm not qualified to make a statement like this, but the lead dude?
BM: Julian?
FN: Yeah, he's at least decent looking, better up her ally than pornstache guy.
BM: Not in that plaid suit, but yeah, I get what you're saying. He's the least scary of the bunch, not that they are scary, they are just not normal looking, or something.
FN: What is with the guy in the scarf? Hey buddy, lay off the heroine.
BM: Yeah, what is with that? His cheekbones are totally sucked in. Newsflash to that dude: Don't suck in your cheeks like a fish when the camera flashes.
FN: It's not just that he has no cheekbones, he literally doesn't have an ounce of fat on him. No heroine needles, o.k. dude, and eat a sandwhich, or a fat burger.
BM: He can't the one in the middle, with the self-satisfied shit-eating grin is eating all his food.
FN: Hee. I can see the gaunt one saying 'dude, I'm coming down now. Hand me a sandwich.
BM: And the fat one is all 'I can't... BURP!' He's the stoner to the other dude's heroine addict."
FN: 'That's gotta be a fun tour bus. 'Dude, I have the munchies.'
BM: "Fine, go eat "Needles's" stash in the refrigerator." It's a symbiotic relationship really. Now I must bring up the other dude on the end.
FN: Dude, what is with that hat?
BM: My point exactly. That guy should be sat down and told that the look he's sporting, the "Lucas Haas as an Amish Kid in Witness is out. In fact it was never in. So loose the hat, and the vest."
FN: Maybe the fat one will eat it.
BM: Hee! He's already eaten the poor heroine addict dude's jacket. He's probably full.
FN: Don't we like this band?
BM: Yes.
FN: We're being pretty mean to them.
BM: Yes. But they brought it on themselves. Don't be sporting Thin Ron Jeremy-stache circa 1976 and expect that I won't bring the scrutiny is all I'm saying.
FN: Yeah, and eat before the photo shoot. Goes double for the heroine addict.