Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Walken + Ping Pong = Awesome

So, apparantly, Christopher "Needs more Cowbell" Walken has decided to make a movie about competitive ping pong, ahem table tennis. I haven't been this happy since I was convinced he might be president in 2008. (I still have my Walken for President button ready to go if you want me to campaign for you Walken. Seriously, call me. I had these awesome little daydreams in which Willem Defoe was his Vice President, and Scary Blue Velvet era Dennis Hopper was his secretary of defense. It was a strange world full of True Romance references and Spider-man posters in Lincoln's bedroom, but it was awesome). When I found out it wasn't true, well, I haven't been that depressed since I actually sat through New Rose Hotel. Twice. But I still have him posted up in my cubicle along with my two other dark horse Presidential candidates, General Zod and Invader Zim. Sure, they want to enslave us, but at least they are honest about it.

But this movie. Will. Be. Awesome. If, and this is a big if, the Correct Walken shows up. What do I mean by "Correct Walken"? Well, let me elaborate. To my mind, there are two Walkens. There is the utterly entertaining and fun, song and dance Walken, a la that Fatboy Slim video where he dances and floats and is generally awesome. The "Needs more cowbell" Walken is equally entertaining. The Walken that does not need more air time is the Suicide Kings Walken, the Batman Returns Walken, the Hickey Walken. That Walken still gives me the creeps. Just, blech. I'm shuddering just thinking about it.

Looking at his c.v. though, there's a whole slew of Walkens I didn't know, or had forgotten existed. The awesome 80's Walken, the period piece Walken, which Wha???, the what the hell are you doing? Walken. But that's besides the point, the point is, the funny Walken better show up and this movie better involve no fewer than 23 crotch shots, or I'm resending my services as your campaign coordinator. That's all I'm saying.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Only a boy...

Would design a video game system that could be installed in a FREAKING URINAL. As if Fighting Nun didn't already going number 1 was a fun little game that he got to play with his "joystick", now he actually can play one, with his, erm "joystick". This is so freaking wrong, in so many ways. I wonder if they've installed a bonus round in the actual stalls. "Two kerplops = 2,000 points." Ugh, I just made myself sick...

Random Morning Commute Topic

Becuase Fighting Nun and I have had to car pool right now, we've ended up having some strange discussions. This morning's went something like this:

Fighting Nun: You need to have a coffee pen name.
Bloody Munchkin: A what?
FN: A name you can put on your coffee order.
BM: I don't understand.
FN: You need to come up with a name to put on your coffee order.
BM: Is this because you're tired of me using your name, because we both know it's easier because if I give them my name, I'm gonna have to spell it, and then their gonna look at me all wierd and then I have to do that eye roll that tries to convey "Yes I know the spelling and the name don't match, my parents are hippies that thought giving their daughter a strange name would be fun" in less than a split second...
FN: I'm not saying use your name. I'm saying come up with some name, other than mine to put on your coffee order.
BM: Like what?
FN: I don't know, Cat or something. And then you could like use it as one of your aliases, like if you ever write a book and stuff.
BM: Cat?
FN: I don't know, it's just a suggestion.

Fifteen minutes and a dance in my car seat to the tune of Morningwood's Nth Degree, and we came back to the topic.

BM: So, like how complicated should the coffee pen name have to be?
FN: Not very.
BM: Because I have Evanka on the brain.
FN: Fifteen minutes and the best you can come up with is Evanka?
BM: I don't know. I've had like five hundred other thoughts, most of which revolve around the fact that One Tree Hill sucked last night.
FN: Hey, you're the one who wanted to watch it.
BM: I know, I know. Well, what other names?
FN: I don't know. I'm kinda liking Cat. Short for Catarina. You could pull off a Catarina I think.
BM: It does seem to be the dark horse doesn't it.
FN: Dark horse? It's the only horse we've come up with.

Ten more minutes elapse...

BM: Angelina?
FN: Maybe...

A few more minutes...

BM: Violet.
FN: I don't know...
BM: Violet Benderspink. Violet Benderspink the Third. I kinda like that as my coffee pen name.
FN: Violet. Benderspink. The Third. Hold on. What? VIOLET. BENDERSPINK. THE THIRD? The hell?
BM: Well, not that I can't pull off the Russian Spy persona that handing off the name requires, but.
FN: Persona?
BM: Well, I mean, don't you have to assume a Russian Spy name if you're assuming the name of Cat?
FN: You aren't assuming a whole other persona to put down a FREAKING name on a paper cup!
BM: But if I'm using the pen name to write a book, then I'd have to give the person writing the book a whole other persona, thus Violet Benderspink the third. I think I could pull her off really well.
FN: O.k. first off, do you really want to give your "persona" a last name that sounds like sphincter?
BM: Heh. Sphincter. Good point, she was probably teased alot in school.
FN: O.k. Heh. But, not the point. The point is you're making a whole other persona TO ORDER COFFEE.
BM: Hey, this was your idea...
FN: Which you've taken to a wierd, wierd place. *Pats shoulder, rolls eyes*

The subject was then summarily dropped, not to be spoken about for the rest of the trip. But I'm convinced this topic is still open. Its Coffeegate people!

Monday, March 20, 2006

She said, he said

She Said "Damn it, it doesn't have to be all or nothing all the time!"
He Said "See, that's why I like anal sex and you don't!"

Friday, March 17, 2006

Second Best Music Video. Ever!!!

I am serious. The genius of this song and video is only eclipsed by Aha's "Take On Me" (You can argue with that contention all you want. But resistence is futile. "Take On Me" is the best music video ever. Keep argueing if you want to but you'll see things my way.)

But this video is in the running. I mean, it has everything. The bad powder blue tuxes, Intel look-alike dudes, girls in skimpy Robert Plant "She's Addicted to Love"/Motley Crue "Girls, Girls, Girls" hybrid outfits, which are so sluttily awesome that only Sir-Mix-Alot's "Baby Got Back" video had more sluttily awesome clothes, the disco ball. Which, can I just stop for a sec and explain how underused the disco ball is in music videos. I'm serious. It is way underutilized, and I, for one, want it used more widely in music videos. No, really. If you have a music video in which you instruct me to shake my groove thang, or my ass, or my moneymaker, I better know you're serious. And the best way to do that? Put a Disco-Motherfucking-ball right smack in the middle of it bitches!!! That's how.

I lurve this video. Since FIghting Nun, who is the epitomy of cool, sent this to me, I have listened to and partially watched this video new fewer than 2394 times and I plan to watch it many more time. The Pen Fifteen Club. Makers of the Second Best Music Video. Ever.

An Open Letter to DirecTV

Dear DirecTV;

I realize we've only been together a short time and I might not be giving this relationship enough of a chance, but I'm starting too have second thoughts.

Don't get me wrong, your a great TV channel service provider, I just don't think you have what it takes to meet my needs the way cable and TiVO met my needs. Yes, true you swept me out of a strange love triangle, but it was a simbiotic love triangle that provided me with so much comfort and joy. And their programs were easy to find and TiVo recorded what I asked it too. I'm not getting the same level of loyalty from you and I'm starting to reevaluate the relationship.

Let's take the last two night for instance. Wednesday night, I asked gently that you record the final episode of Beauty and the Geek for me(Yes, I watch Beauty and the Geek, loyally. I didn't ask for your mocking in the manner, I asked you to record the program for me, which YOU DID NOT! So shut up!). I tried to Watch it last night, and nothing. I either couldn't find where you would store such programming, or you outright refused to record it for me. I thought this was the beginning of a beautiful relationship, so why you running so hot and cold for me?

And then, last night, you leveled me with an act of outright disobediance. You. Would Not. Play Invader ZIM. Would outright not display the show on TV. Look, I know I asked for that channel, I outright saw that channel displayed on my little channel guide thing, which said I would get channel, but you? You didn't not display the channel. You said you were "Trying to Find" the channel, but you would not display the channel. Forgive me for turning into my mother and guilt tripping you, but there is not a lot I ask for in this relationship, (well once I figure out the DVR thing, there will be a lot I will ask from this relationship, one of which will be to record ever episode and rerun of both Made and Pimp My Ride, but baby steps...) but one of those things is to watch Invader ZIM on a regular basis. Tivo didn't mind this, hell, Tivo recorded it without me asking and introduced me to the goodness that is GIR because my Tivo knew that I liked The Tick. You wouldn't even play Invader ZIM, much less record it for me. What am I supposed to think about how you really feel about me?

And another thing, last night, I couldn't sleep and I went to you for support, to be consoled because I was feeling icky and you looked like you were going to be compassionate to my needs, what with being on the exact channel that "My So-Called Life" happened to be on. Yeah, it was the last fifteen minutes of an episode, but it was pure goodness. I mean, Brian Krakow and Jordan Catellano for Christ's Sake. I was consoled, and I was happy, and I thought you really got my needs, but the rest of the hour I spent tooling around, nothing. Well, there was Ice Castles, which totally enthralled me as a kid, but is doing absolutely nothing for me now. (Robbie Benson, where did we go wrong?). But Nothing, I was hoping for another episode of "My So-Called Life" and You said you had "Aah, Real Monsters" to play, but alas with the "Can not find station" crap again, I couldn't watch it.

I just don't know if it's going to work out. You are just not at a level I need you to be. I know you say that I should give it time, but the Tivo/Cable relationship, as strange as it is, is looking more and more appealing. Just don't make me regret this big change I made. That's all I'm asking.


The Bloody Munchkin.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Phil Collins and His Wife are splitting...

There's a joke in here somewhere about Phil spending way too much time at the GBC clubhouse, but I can't quite put it altogether. Let's just hope he didn't divorce her by fax this time...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

New Holiday?

I didn't know this was a new holiday. I'm sure Fighting Nun is creating a petition right now to make this a national holiday. Can I claim religious differences so I won't have to observe it?

Monday, March 13, 2006

Twelve Things I Realized After Seeing Ultraviolet

  1. Anything, and I do mean anything, can be made better by the presence of William Fichtner. I am absolutely convinced of this. I can't substantiate this claim with real proof at the moment, but I'm convinced I'd watch an opening of a landfill if he was present, just because he is that freaking cool.
  2. I am absolutely convinced that there is some rule about sci-fi movies that there absolutely has to be tight vinyl in at least 3/4 of the movie in order to make it a believable sci-fi movie, which I utterly do not understand because, we have vinyl and latex in the present, but we have the presence of mind not to wear it absolutely all the time, so what gives? What, in the future we're all going to be "Let's where impossibly sticky and hot vinyl"? Sure whatever.
  3. Milla Jovavich has a nice ass. I'm jealous.
  4. The kid in that movie is starting to creep me out. I mean Dakota Fanning level creep me out. I mean, first of all, that kid is starting to be in like everything and secondly he's trying too hard to be preternaturally ... something. I don't know. The kid just wigs o.k.
  5. Another rule of sci-fi happens to be that vampires are stupid. Sure, they were called hemo-phages or what the hell ever, but seriously.
  6. "You cannot have a yankable ponytail in a chicken fight." You think in the future, your average henchman would, you know, get that. But apparantly not.
  7. Any bad movie (with the exception of "Dude, Where's my Car?") can be made better when you are under the influence. Two cape cods and that movie when up a letter grade. It was a C- but with a little drinkage in my system, and being able to laugh at the dialog, it became a B- easy.
  8. "It is on" "Oh Yes. It is on." is the new "You got served."
  9. The bad guy in this movie, not so convincing. I don't know. He is just not bad enough. He's menacing and kinda creepy, but he's obviously way too Howard Hughesian about the germs and all. I'd just be around him when my allergies were bad and watch him have a germaphobic fugue and pass out. Easy enough..
  10. All your armies of darkness or mal-intent or whatever, especially if they are robots and especially if they are ROBOTS MADE OF GLASS are easily destroyable, and you are an idiot for building them.
  11. Anything, ANYTHING (even this pile of crap) can be made better by the presence of William Fichtner.
  12. Did I mention that William Fichtner can make your movie better?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lost in the Quagmire

Quagmire. God that is such a strange word. Seriously. But I am. Lost in it, I mean. I'm seriously knee deep in crap right now. Moving Crap, Work Crap. And to top it all off, I don't have cable. Do you know it has been a week since I've seen an episode of Made or Gilmore Girls. I'm starting to twitch. I might have to be admitted to Betty Ford if those goes on much longer. I actually cracked a book last night. That's how deprived I am. I have had everyone, including my mother, tell me every juicy detail of the Academy Awards, which: Salt, meet Open Wound. I'm sure you'll become fast friends.

To top it all off, I haven't felt very writing inclined. I just feel drained of anything to say. Well, that's not exactly true. Fighting Nun and I have had fifteen-hundred conversations, most of which were funny (one of which involved us getting a mouse chouffeur which launched into a discussion of whether or not said mouse should be able to cuss at traffic. The Verdict? Absolutely.) and probably blog worthy but are now lost to the anals of time (heh, I just said anals) because I haven't (read: didn't) taken the time to write them down.

I feel constricted in the writing department right now, like there's so much that needs out of my system but that I can't concentrate on any one thing so nothing gets out. I do not know why. I've been sitting on a post about this awesome dream I had involving Apolo Anton Ohno and that shirtless volleyball scene in Top Gun where Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise are in Volleyball Match to the D-E-A-T-H which I haven't done anything with. Quite heartbreaking really. But rest assured, I'm trying.

Those Crazy Australians...

...and their band names.

So I'm listening to Live 105 this morning, which really isn't bad now that Howard Stern is gone. So I'm listening and they play a band called Wolf Mother. Let me reiterate. Wolf Mother. From the country that brought you Midnight Oil and Silver Chair, please enjoy Wolf Mother. The band ain't half bad, what with it sounding something like cross between The Darkness and Jet, but... Wolf Mother. That's the best you could come up with? Really? No offense or anything, but hoakey...