Breaking Bad Reviews: Rabid Dog and To'hajiilee

Okay, so last week got away from and I didn't do a review for the Rabid Dog episode so I thought I'd review both episodes, but I'm not sure I'm even capable of that because that episode ending left me reeling so freaking much that I might not be in any sort of shape to be coherent.

I will say that this show's heating things up to slow things down again only to rev them up even more this season might be a master class in suspense and tension. I mean, this show is a chess board and when Jesse went to light Walt's house on fire, I thought, finally somebody is making a play for the queen. But then Hank talked Jesse down and that sweeping move, other than getting gasoline soaked into the subflooring,didn't do anything but get Skylar's momma bear claws out. And this week, I thought was just going to be more chess board pieces moving around. Walt was looking for Jesse, Jesse was looking for Walt's money, Todd and his crazy racist, sexist family were looking for a better batch of meth, Lydia was looking for a better batch of meth, and it would just a lot of small moves with probably not a lot of payoff this episode.

Boy was I ever wrong.

That showdown in the desert builds and builds into the most gut-wrenching, breath-taking violent masterpiece I've ever seen. It was so carefully and beautifully orchestrated too. It wasn't just the violence, but the way it came around. I haven't seen dances that well choreographed. I also haven't witnessed a piece of TV that has left me that breathless for that long. Even my friends on twitter were like 'can't breath' and 'my heart is going so fast'. It was insane.

And the really intriguing part is that we won't know where the chess pieces really are until the dust settles. I'd like to make a 'Oh Gomez, for we hardly knew ye' or 'Go with God, Uncle Hank, RIP' statement here, the way they left it, but I'm not even sure of that much yet. I do know that I think Pinkman had enough sense of self preservation and I don't need to make a 'Yeah Bitch, Rest In Peace" joke but I don't know that even. Damn you show.

Rabid Dog gets a B+ but that's only because To'hajiilee Is getting an A for the epicness of that last scene.

Breaking Bad Episode review: Confessions

Dear Breaking Bad:

I love you and you gave me a Walt Jr. scene this episode, but uhm, come on here! Keep him under the veil this episode and getting him to go along with whatever game Walt is playing is not the way to do it. Please make some forward momentum on this relationship and on his character. That's all I'm asking.

Thanks;

The Bloody Munchkin

But that's my  only (continuing) complaint on what was otherwise a very strong episode. I mean, how can I can complain when they gave Aaron Paul so much to do? The forward momentum in Pinkman was a long time coming and is part of a fitting story arc for the character. It's more than I could've hoped or wanted from the character and I can't wait to see this play out. Hitting Walt's home was an interesting choice for him and will have deep ramifications for the rest of the season. Will Walt be able to find his money stash with the lottery ticket burned up in the fire? Will it also be the thing that drives the Hiesenburg unveiling? And the thing that led to this was the simplest freaking scene. It was so deceptively simple that I kept looking at my husband and asking 'what just happened there?' It was freaking genius.

The other thing that was so surprising and awesome and has been this entire series, is Hank's complete ineffectiveness at  pinning anything on Walt. How more effectively to you emotionally castrate a character than by making him completely incapable of overtaking the one person he's wanted from the beginning? They put Hank in the most elaborate rat cage filled with blackmail and faked confessions they could possibly design and when he gets let out, there will be hell to pay. And the interesting part is that Marie is backed into a corner with him and she'll probably be the most hellbent, especially after she realizes she'd accepted meth money to pay for Hank's medical bills. Holy crap.

But the best part of all was the intense Gardenio's face off which allowed my husband to complete his Breaking Bad Bingo card of Albuquerque locations not just because he was able to cross it off his list, but because it was the most tension-filled restaurant meeting I've ever seen just shy of the Diner scene from last week. Many do the Whites and Schraders know how to make all meals awkward!

There were a couple of parts I could've done without in this episode. Todd and his skinhead family's small talk in the diner (poor waitress, having to handle all that awkward gawking) was in my view unnecessary, although this show has a way of making unnecessary moments very freaking important, so we'll see.

All in all, this is adding up to be one of the best swan songs of a show in recent memory. Keep up the good work show. A-.

Breaking Bad Episode Review: Buried

I think my mind is still reeling after last night's episode, mostly because it was so starkly different from Blood Money that I still don't know how to process it. What was a game of miles last episode suddenly turned into a game of inches within this episode. And man, were those some hard fought/won/lost inches. Hanks game for yardage with Skyler ended up netting pretty much a loss and when Hank makes a Hail Mary pass in the form of Marie talking Skyler off the ledge, ball gets fumbled and so does the baby, almost. God those scenes!

And I know a lot of stuff happened this episode, a lot of rooks got moved around by big fat body guards who Scrooge McDuck it in a storage facility  and then hidden the desert by a chemo-riddled meth kingpin running on adrenaline and pure survival mode, and a bunch of pawns got slaughtered above an underground meth lab in the Arizona desert, and Pinkman moves his knight/car into either a strategic position or sacrifices it in an act of stupidity, I'm not sure which at this point.(Which, okay, I'm going to take an aside here. Please for the love of Christ, somebody tell me Pinkman's car is okay and will be seen in later episodes. I don't think I can't take much more collateral damage in the form of houses/cars/inanimate objects at this point. Just let her be in an impound lot somewhere and safe and in running condition. Please.)

And there's some pieces on the board that haven't played at all. Which, here I go on another aside. But where the hell is Walt Jr? And somebody better not tell me camp, because no. Why hasn't he played his game piece and how the hell is he going to find this crap out? This is driving me nuts and what bugged me about an otherwise strong episode. Hank knows, Marie was told. When's Jr. going to find out? For the love of little blue bags of meth, when? And it better not be some throw away scene either. There better be fireworks and he better get a move on the board other than getting shipped around to family members and being resentful.  There better be some sort of payoff in his relationships to people on this show is all I'm saying.


But Walt Jr's nonexistent game piece this episode aside, this was an incredibly great episode for Marie, Hank, and Skyler, and how they played off each other. That diner scene was a piece of art. Literally have I never been so tense about watching nothing get accomplished in my entire life. All that did was clear the air of lies which was huge and did nothing at the same time. And to watch all the conflicting emotions wash over Skyler, and then over Hank was just so beautiful. Give them all the awards. Anna Gunn just taught ya'll a master class in making a scene that saves your bacon. I hope you all were paying attention.

Another master class Anna Gunn teaches: how to give it all away with out saying a fucking word. That scene where Marie probes Skyler and Skyler answers with tear upon chin quivering tear and doesn't say a word right until Marie slaps the bajesus out of her was brilliant. But not as brilliant as the showdown in the living room with Skyler's daughter. Talk about another scene in which I've I tensed watching nothing really get accomplished. Just incredible. And the whole episode establishes that very thing. In the end, Skyler tell's Walt that the best move is not move and not give anybody anything. After all, Not playing her hand gained her the information that Hank has very little on Walt but conjecture and a bunch of connections and that Walt was sick again. What else can not moving garner her? This might be the smartest move the writers have ever made in regards to Skyler, I can not even tell you. I know a lot of people hate Skyler, which frankly I've never understood, but this proves that she's more of a mastermind than we think she is, that her whole end game might upstage everyone and I for one can't wait to see what happens next.

So, to wrap up, this was a great episode that sets up a lot of moving pieces but I'm only going to give it a B+, because a) two episodes in and still no Walt Jr.? Travesty. and b) while I love me the ginger and the fat body guard and the pile of money, they are no Badger and Skinny Pete. Not that that scene didn't find hit some pleasure centers with me, but laying on a big pile of money is no Star Trek fan fiction. Sorry guys.

Breaking Bad Episode Review: Blood Money

I know I don’t typically review TV on any sort of regular basis. When I do review TV, I either don’t give the episode a grade score or I keep to the end of the review. Well, right now we’re going talk about Breaking Bad and how I give this first episode of its final half-season an A+. Because that episode was spectacular, beginning to end and everything in between.

But I really don’t think I’m going to do a straight review of the episode anyhow. You can read it done better other places. But there are a few things I want to touch on, and no, Saul’s barn door ain’t one of them. Or maybe it is. *shudder* no its not.

First let me say how refreshing it is to see that most of the side characters that I’ve come to know and love and help move this show along were at least somehow brought into view. Saul, his aforementioned barn door and his glorious office, Lydia and her rental car, and most importantly of all Badger and Skinny Pete. Moments before their scene I looked at Fighting Nun and said “Listen, all I’m saying is if they don’t bring back Badger and Skinny Pete for at least one more episode, then this whole half-a-season and the rest of the seasons will have been a wash.” As if reading my mind in the future, Gilligan and crew decided “Oh we’ll give you Badger and Skinny Pete all right and we’ll write them in a moment that was handcrafted just for you.” Badger describing his Star Trek Fan fiction involving a Barf-o-rama-esque pie eating contest on the Enterprise in which Scotty is beaming pies out of Chekov’s stomach so that Chekov can best Spock only Scotty gets distracted by Uhura’s rack and ends up beaming Chekov’s bowls into outerspace and Skinny Pete getting his mind blown by this idea? Tell me that scene was written expressly for me? It’s what I never knew I wanted until I got it and it made me smile and my heart leap. Thank you Breaking Bad.

Consequently, if some tech-savvy enterprising type (@bobbyfinger or @JAMNPP perhaps?) could make a gif of Badger spouting the ending of said fanfic and it cut to Skinny Pete's face when his mind gets blown for me to have for the rest of my days, I would be forever grateful. Somebody make that happen, Mmmmkay.

But that was the only heart leap to be had this episode, at least by me. The rest was one gut punch after another. That’s not entirely true. That scene where Skyler storms through her own car wash and charges Lydia like a mother bear with her claws out was everything to me. Being a mother who would do anything to protect her children, I’ve sometimes questioned a lot of Skyler’s motives and decisions, but in that moment I didn’t have to question and I would’ve done the same thing, maybe even more. Good on her and good on the show for finally giving her something to do in a more substantial way than they have in the past.

But let’s stop describing the highs of this rollercoaster ride and get to the gut churning lows. When that opening shot of the show finally zoomed out to reveal those skate boarders riding in the emptied out pool of Walt’s house, my heart dropped into my stomach, and then, when we get to see the interior of the house, gutted and graffitied, I felt like this show just injured one of its characters.  I’m not sure I’m the one to deliver a much-needed think-piece on locations and inanimate objects as their own characters  on Breaking Bad (I mean, isn’t this Matt Zoller Sietz’s territory?), but that’s what I intend to deliver.

This show has such a sense of place that I feel that some of these locations, some of the objects were characters themselves. The episode where the boys and the Winnebago were stranded in the desert: that was the Winnebago getting to have its own dialog, getting to insert its own say in the episode. And the episode where they destroy her? I think I cried actual tears. It made just as much of an impact as any character death on the show.  The same could be said for the underground lab and the Fly episode. They made that lab a character with its own input and when they destroyed the lab, I had an opposite but equal reaction of elation, like, finally they took down the bitch. Even the cars have a significant role. You can’t tell me Walt’s Aztec and Jesse’s red clunker haven’t been players in their own right. The Car Wash, Saul’s office, they’ve all played their parts, have they not? Let’s not even get started on Jesse’s house and the horrors its had to endure. The list could go on and on.

But Walt’s home more than anything felt like its own character with its own role to play. I watched as she bemoaned horrible water pressure and water heat. I watched as Walt fixed her up and she repaid them sort of by burning Walt Jr.’s hands. I watched as she became overrun by airplane wreckage and how she overcame the damage. I watched her hide Walt’s secrets time and again, I watched her welcome a new baby and protect the inhabitants as best she could. I watched as she handled Walt throwing a pizza at her for chrisssakes! So when they showed her gutted and mutilated, with the word Heisenberg scrawled on one of her walls with boys out in her pool skateboarding (WITHOUT HELMETS! GAH!) I felt her wounds, her heartbreak, how she was betrayed.

If  Jesse’s house goes down in ball of fire I will cry gigantic crocodile tears and then I.  WILL. RIOT.

But that’s how good this show is. It made me invested in not just the characters, but better than any other show in my memory, the place as well. And that’s just not home state pride talking. I think I did start watching the show because Albuquerque and the state of my youth were featured so prominently. This wasn’t just a production that decided to use a city’s place name but recreated it in some Canadian backlot somewhere (Supernatural, your use of Kermit still stings). This was a production that filmed on location and got it right. I don’t know if the motel they dubbed the Crystal Palace was an actual location in ABQ or one they had to build but I will tell you it called to memory some of the seedy motels I’d seen in Albuquerque of my youth, and that’s saying something. Every place felt real and authentic and important.

A year or so ago, Fighing Nun had to go to Albuquerque and he’d send me pictures of what he was convinced was the Car Wash and the Lazer Tag place. I think he even took a picture of a good facsimile of a Pollos Hermanos restaurant. Two more place pictures and he could’ve won Breaking Bad Bingo.   

If another enterprising graphics-savvy person would mock up a sample Breaking Bad Bingo card with just Breaking Bad places in the card  and send it to me, I would be again, forever grateful. These, while close aren't quite there yet.

And lastly, I want to discuss the other gut-churning/lurching moment worth mentioning, which is obviously the ending. Yes, I could talk about the Jesse, Walt scene, which has its merits and is worth talking about, but let’s get to show stopper shall we?

 My gut really had no idea where to be. At first it was in a holding pattern, waiting, moment to moment, and then Walt pulled out the GPS and it jumped forward about fifteen feet. As Hank lowered the garage door and my stomach found a new low underneath my bowels. As the show down commenced, I felt like I’d taken a few in the solar plexus. As they continued with verbal jabs instead of actual ones, my guts didn’t know where to be. Hank tore Walt a new one and my stomach churned, Walt told Hank the cancer was back and it sunk again. And as the episode faded out, with the two of them excellently lit and shadowed, recalling to mind that episode of Walt and Gus discussing business matters, my insides felt utterly exhausted.

TV's 80s Nostalgia Week?

So, I'm pretty slow about this, but did the eighties just have a nostalgia party all over my favorite shows last week? Fighting Nun was gone most of the week, so I didn't watch any of our favorite shows until this weekend and every show we watched felt like one stop after another on the 80s nostalgia tour.

I mean for starters, Bob Newhart KILLED IT on the latest episode of Big Bang Theory. At first, I didn't think he'd work and it felt like he was working too hard or he wasn't working at all, but then his cameo just paid off in spades and I couldn't stop smiling.

And then, AND THEN both Ralph Macchio AND The Zabka (yes I know he has a first name, I just like calling him the Zabka) on How I Met Your Mother? And Zabka had one of the most inspired parts ever. He's the clown at Barney's Bachelor party and then reveals himself in the last minute? Genius people, genius.

But the absolute most genius cameo that made my 80's loving heart soar this week? Booger was the Metatron on Supernatural. I'm just gonna wait for a minute while that statement sinks in. Booger (from Revenge of the Nerds) was Metatron! The guy who won the belching contest is the Word of God (as it should be I think). That might be the most awesome thing ever thought into existence. And he did an incredible job. I hope beyond all things that they bring him back before the end.

And, if you'll allow me, I'd like to talk about Supernatural for a bit. Finally, It's going somewhere and the somewhere it is going is pretty damn awesome. Once they finally left that 'Sam's got a girl in Kermit Texas' business by the wayside, it finally went somewhere. I was about at my wit's end with this season. But now that it has decided to throw out all the stops, I'm quite enjoying myself. Two more episodes ya'll!

If only Mike and Molly had seen fit to have Max Perlich do a cameo, then my 80's loving heart would've truly been all aflutter. 

Random thoughts regarding some TV obsessions

Regarding Elementary

Dear Jonny Lee Miller;

That crush I've had on you ever since Hackers that has made me endure some very crappy movies (Mindhunters anyone?) and some not so successful TV shows (Eli Stone anyone?)? In case you were wondering it is still very much on. Your hairline may wain but my crush on you never will.

Dear Lucy Liu;

That girl crush I've had on you that began for reasons I can no longer remember but was definitely fueled by your ability to wield a samurai sword? Still very much on. Just thought you'd like to know.

Dear Aidan Quinn;

This whole 'Aging professor silver fox' thing your rocking? It's a good look for you. Keep it up. That is all.

Regarding Revenge

Dear Revenge!

I love you! Never leave me again! I need Nolan's fanciful layering and Victoria's bitchface, and both Daniel's and Jack's alcoholism, and Emily's wardrobe and Jennifer Jason Leigh's face of seriousness (or serious collagen injections, I can't tell which)  and... well I don't really need Deckland, Charlotte, or Emily/Amanda (Lisa P) Clark's pregnancy of contrivance. But I'll take them if I can have the rest! And can I go ahead and put odds on Emily/Amanda being the body in The Amanda, the flash forward at the beginning of this season? Cause she's my horse in this dead pool. Just sayin'. Also, Nolan and Emily as housemates? Best. Idea. Ever. I love you show that I have to wait until my husband is out of the house to watch. Never change.

Regarding Supernatural

Uhm, WTF was that last night? I'm still trying to process it all and I'm not sure that I'm very happy about. The flashbacks were chintzy at best and unnecessary in a lot of instances. Sam's flashbacks? Not worth the price of admission. Period. And the best this show can do for Purgatory is some backwoods somewhere? Lame. But not even that can diminish my love of the brothers. They've got an interesting angle of this season, but I don't know if it'll hold. We'll see.

My Boys: Season 2

O.k., we all know how I felt about it last season, how it's this wierd paradox for me and every time I see Kyle Howard, I have all these complex emotions, because there are too many complicated memories of wierd movies he did as a kid, blah blah blah. But I still like it, which is odd, because we had put off watching any of the season 2 episodes until they were just sitting there on the Tivo, pouting at us. So we finally broke down and started watching them the other night and I think we've finally caught up on the season. Which brings me to my point, which is that I have to apologize to Fighting Nun for something:

Dear Fighting Nun;

I'm sorry for trying not to squeal when Jeremy Sisto suddenly appeared in the episode and ending up letting out a little mouse squeak any way because, well Sisto. I know I should be able to control that better, but Sisto. I wasn't prepared for Sisto. And yes, I know what your arguement is going to be, I didn't squeal at all during the episode and a half of Kidnapped that I watched, I should have impulse control but see, I have an arguement for that. I was prepared for the Sisto then. I knew he was on the show and was going to be all badass. I had a system of checks and balances to keep the Sisto Squeals at bay. (Yes, that's its technical term, yes I've been diagnosed). And finally, after five seasons of Six Feet Under, I was able to keep my squeals to a minimum when Billy unexpectedly showed up in an episode and I wasn't prepared for it. It took awhile and I thank you for being patient. I know my wierd thing for Creepy Jesus is hard to handle, but it's Sisto.

But last night? Sisto just showing up all scruffy and rough? It took me a second, because his first scene was of him on a computer screen, so I couldn't tell it was him until I heard his voice. My inner monologue went something like this: "Is that? Nooooo. Couldn't be. Oh my god it totally is. It's SISTO!" And then, well. I had no place for it. I let a little squee slip. He has the effect on me. And his character? Although somewhat douchey by the end, was totally perfect for Jeremy to be playing. That dash of mysteriousness, that hint of something deeper. It's Sisto. And God, the way Jordana Spiro's character kind of became all melty and cute-voiced whenever she talked to him? I totally get that, because hello! Sisto!!! And, O.k. Thorn? Awesome name for Sisto. It's the kind of awesome name you'd expect a hot, you-still-have-somewhat-unrequited-feelings-for ex-boyfriend to have.

My only complaint? Other than the douchey way his character left things with the main character? Please tell me the bloaty thing he was going through was for the role and he's not suffering from the spread. Because that would really depress me. It's the Sisto! He's better than that. And if it's actually for his new stint on Law and Order or Law and Order: Criminal Intent or some such crap I won't be watching, well then I have actual incentive not to be watching. Not that the Sisto isn't still worthwhile in all his forms, but I don't watch and of the Law and Order shows and now that Jerry Orbach's no longer with us, it would be even harder for me to tune in. I'm weird that way.

So, sorry Fighting Nun. And sorry for a three paragraph treatsy on the subject of Sisto as well. I'll try and do better next time.

Anyhoo, My Boys, Sisto. Good Combination.

My latest TV obsessions

Before I get started, I know I've been away for awhile. I've been all over the place and yet totally stationary all at the same time. The one constant, it should come to no one's surprise, has been TV. You'd think polishing off the last Harry Potter book would've deterred or curbed my TV enthusiasm in some way (Yes I read it. Yes I loved it. Yes I want to read all seven books altogether again. And, because I am probably required, by law to say this: Yes Fighting Nun, you were right about that thing in the book. You called it. You are a smart, smart man. Now shut up about it.) and it did in some ways. I didn't really pay attention to Monk this week for instance. And, I haven't watched Psych for awhile. I mean, I missed the historic Lou Diamond Phillips's Abs episode (well I haven't it missed it exactly, it's still on Tivo, but anyhoo). But the crap, er I mean, TV I have been keeping up with? Well it adheres to my strict rules of mindlessness, as you might expect. Below is a run down of some of the stuff I'm still watching or have decided to tune into:


1. Ninja Warrior - You should not be surprised at this one, not in the slightest. The funny thing is that even after months of almost total overexposure, what with G4 playing like a bajillion episodes back to back and me watching said episodes in continued rotation, I'd be sick of it. But it's so to the contrary. My love for this show hasn't diminished but has instead blossomed. And it's specifically because this show is more subtle than you might think. There are so many layers to this show, so many carefully planted mini-dramas planted manipulatively that are at work in this show, you might as well be watching a soap opera. I came for the super hard tasks and the wild, bone-crushing eliminations, I've stayed for the carefully planted backstories and profiles. The beauty of the show is the regulars, the guys who have made repeated attempts to best the Ninja Warrior course. Thier repeated attempts and their profile thingies have had a peculiar side effect on me. They've gotten me to care, to care about these strange contestants a half a world away who I wouldn't give a hoot about otherwise. There's Professor Ninja Warrior (who was not on Wikipedia's entry of Ninja Warrior all stars! For Shame) for example, one of my personal faves, a third grade teacher somewhere in Japan who goes on the show to teach his kids by example, or something. His class would show up to the competitions and if he failed, they'd be all distraught and he'd bow to them all "Sorry I failed you", and then I just become a puddle of goo. Then there's the gas station attendant (recently turned Manager!) Shingo Yamamoto who always loses his cap on every stage, and then the crab fisherman turned massage therapist Kazuhiko Akiyama who has a degenerative eye desease (talk about pulling the heartstrings), the only man (that I can recall) every to best the whole Ninja Warrior course.


And then, of course, we have Yamada. Oh Yamada. Never have I seen a more well documented case of sad sackery in all my life. Well, that's not exactly true, a true sad sack does not have six pack abs and can't crack you like a walnut with his forearms, but the picture they paint on this guy isn't pretty. When I first started watching this show, Yamada was Mr. Ninja Warrior, he started talking at schools and everything. But over successive episodes, that guy's back story has been all over the place. At one point he was a propane distributor, at another, a construction worker, and then sadly, he wound up a Hot Dog vendor for a Japanese baseball team. From there, the show seemed to not only document his rather odd string of jobs but briefly highlighted roller coaster with his family the show seemed to document. First his family supports him and is at all the tournaments, then they are a little shamed by his showing, then there was this dramatic reveal in one of the episodes that they weren't showing up at the competition, and supposedly there was a letter he left in which he stated he wasn't a great husband, father or son, but he was a warrior and it was all very melodramatic, and everything was just crazy. And then, to top all that off, his subsequent perfomances have been heart breaking. Wikipedia lists his long line of Ninja Warrior failures better than I can (getting disqualified for wearing gloves. Yeesh!) He is the epitomy of heartbreak and has become an important reason for my continued support of the show. I am compelled to find out what happens. Yamada, don't forsake me!!! Anyhoo, so my point? It's still Me and Ninja Warrior sitting in a tree.... that's how blissful I am.

2. Rock of Love with Brett Micheals - Dude, I know. No, I seriously know. But dude. I've seen some trainwrecks so therefore I know from trainwrecks, but this is a trainwreck. It's a trainwreck, plus a three car collision and apparantly a collegan and silicon plant explosion and I should know better. And yet....


3. Scott Baio is Forty-Five and Single - Speaking of knowing better. I mean yeesh. And this show has no qualms about showing extremes. One second I feel sorry for him, the next second I think he's the biggest douche who ever douched. I mean, he's gotten reamed by his comedian ex-girlfriend who was on stage, he had a woman drive away from him as fast as she could. But then he would either give historic evidence and even evidence in the present tense why he would deserve such treatment and he's back to being a douche.


The one thing I don't not get at all about this show? That he's good friends with Jason Hervey. Jason 'One of my claims to fame is that I had a bit part in PeeWee's Big Adventure forever and a day ago' Hervey. Jason 'I was the most despicable Arnold on Wonder Years' Hervey. I'm just going to say this. Scott Baio and Jason Hervey are two 80's tastes that DO NOT taste well together because Yeesh.


4. The Two Coreys - Speaking of two 80's taste that no longer go well together.... O.k., I admit it. When this show was first proposed, I was seriously kind of psyched. But now that it's here, I'm actually kind of meh about it. That's not exactly true. My emotions roller coaster during this show. One second it's all cheesy goodness and the next its really heartbreaking. Like they already raped and pillaged all the fun loving nostalgia I had for them with bial like Rock and Roll High School Forever and that one utterly dispicable movie Feldman did regarding a post apocolyptic society and a drug war when it was totally obvious he was on drugs, and then that utterly dispicable movie Haim did with Allen Thicke, and then that other utterly dispicable movie he did with Wallace Shawn (Oh Wallace, why did you forsake me that once?). The point isn't to tear the remaining nostalgic love apart but to try and build it up. But if their brainstorming for a possible Lost Boys sequel that was featured on the show is any indication, they are attempting to drop a bomb on it, hoping to explode it to pieces. I mean, o.k. I'm not saying that there isn't room for a sequel, because my little chirpy ass was all excited a few years ago when I had heard of a possible Goonies sequel, so I have relatively little room to talk about not messing with total classic 80's movies, but still. If it's got to be done, it has to be done right. You can't just get The Coreys all amped up and call it a movie. And if we're being honest, the Corey's didn't make that movie. It was everybody else. Sorry. Just get a few of the principles. I'm sure the guy that stole Julia Roberts out from under Keifer needs some work, and what's-her-bucket, Jamie Gurtz needs some work after Still Standing. I know Keifer was killed off in the first one, but bring him back too. It shouldn't be hard. But if there is another Lost Boys only featuring The Coreys? I will seriously bring the hellfire. I'm not sure yet. But seriously.

Oh, and just to set the record straight, even though we're only tangentially on the subject. Haim is the superior of the two Coreys. Don't get me wrong, I love Goonies and always will, but Haim is the better Corey. Fight me on the fact if you must, but I'm with Team Haim, well you know, if I actually have to choose a team....

5. Confessions of a Matchmaker - Thanks Joe R. That is all.

The Silver Spoons Drinking Game Discussion

So yesterday marked a monumentous occasion for me. It probably wasn't momumentous for anyone else, judging by the few confused faces I decided to share the news with, but it was to me. Ready for it? Silver Spoons was released on DVD yesterday. Yes I know! I could hardly handle the news either!!! Silver Spoons on DVD!!! The Train!!! Coming through my television once again!!! Young, cute puffy-cheeked Ricky Schroder on DVD! Not old, craggy, I have to be Sipowitz's bitching post Rick Schoeder!!! Available on DVD!!!

To tell the truth, I'm not totally utterly amped about this. To be honest, thanks to Crazy Micheal Jackson, can we take the plot line of a man who wants so desperately to recapture his youth again, that he has a train put in the house and buys his kid all that his heart desires and all sorts of wackiness ensues seriously? More to the point, can we watch all of this without shuddering?!?! I mean couldn't they have easily repackaged Silver Spoons, put Prince Whatever Jackson in all his masked and face covered glory and call it "My years under the House of Crazy: An Autobiography"? I mean if the creators of the show knew that life would creepily imitate art in the form of Micheal Jackson, they might've done things a leeeeetle differently methinks.

Even though this fact is running rampant in my brain, it has only tempered me, it has not deterred me totally. Because come on. It's Ricky Effing Schroder!!! The first kid to utterly rip out my heart with his tears in that movie where John Voight plays the boxer and Ricky was his son and he dies in the ring and Ricky is in the audience, watching every sad moment, tears streaming down his face. Ripped my heart out people!!! Ripped it still beating from my chest and marvelled at it, that's what his performance did.

And then Silver Spoons! And how there was that one episode where Ricky, I'm sorry, I mean Rick, was crushing on a girl who had a thing for Menudo, which God does that take me back, and so he goes out of his way to get Menudo to show up some place in person where the girl is and he surprises her with the band and she starts screaming and going crazy and yells "I love you Ricky" And then Ricky Schroder gets this beaming smile on his face, with his arms open wide as she's running in his direction, and then she runs straight past him and into the arms of, heh, smirk, Ricky Martin and then Ricky Schroder looks all crestfallen and I wanted to send daggers in that girl's direction. It's Ricky Schroder for Christ Effing Sake, bringing you Effint Menudo because you love them and he's trying to win you over!!! At the very least he deserves a hug. I can't believe I can actually remember a whole Silver Spoons episode with such accuracy. I'm suddenly very ashamed of myself right now. Maybe if I was to recount my favorite Punky Brewster Episode I'd feel better. No, I just feel sad and repentant for my mispent youth. Just kidding. My youth wasn't mispent, not to me anyhow.

I tried explaining all this to Fighting Nun last night and, as could be expected, it met on totally, completely deaf ears to wit:

Bloody Munchkin, effecting a five-year old's voice, bouncing up and down: Uhm, Fiiiiii-eghting Nuuuuun. Guess What. Guess What. Guess What. Guess What.
Fighting Nun, already starting an eye roll: What?
Bloody Munchkin, letting out a large squeal: Silver Spoons was released on DVD today.
Fighting Nun: Oh lord.
Bloody Munchkin, with a look of incredulity: What do you mean oh lord? That is totally awesome!!!
Fighting Nun: You know, I really don't think it'll live up to its nostolgic glory. I'm sorry to say.
Bloody Munchkin, somewhat crestfallen: You're probably right. It probably has not stood the test of time well at all.... Which would make it that more awesome!!! Imagine it! The Silver Spoons Drinking Game!! Somebody could be the train!!! I have to sit down and think up rules for this game right now.*
Fighting Nun, shakes head and leaves room.

Basically, I know I should know better, Fighting Nun knows I should know better, I when push comes to shove, I'll probably know better and not purchase it, but I'll keep it on a list of things I will purchase when I have oodles and oodles of money and can afford not to know any better, right up there with Eerie Indiana and the complete seasons of The Animaniacs on DVD.

*I actually did not compile a list of rules for the Silver Spoons drinking game. Instead I went into the kitchen and cooked dinner. I apologize to anyone who stumbled upon my site under the false pretenses that I actually have compiled said list and have it readily available.

American Inventor: Season 2

So the show I had a love/hate relationship is apparantly back, I'd say with a vengeance but it's more like a low "meh". And again, it happens to be driving me nuts (Hey, don't blame me for watching it. I have to find some way to pass the time between episodes of Hell's Kitchen). Starting with the judges, which. O.k., I think we all know how I feel about the snooty English archetype and how with the exception of honorbably chef Gordon Ramsey, said archetype kind of really drives me bazoo. I don't mind the new woman they brought on to judge, but she's got some big Catherine Ohara/Mom from Six Feet Under look-alike shoes to fill versus the female judge from last season. And then you have to Piston's owner/self made man or whatever, who, thanks to Mark Cuban, already has a strike against him in my mind (I don't know, something about self-made men turning Basketball Franchise owners that just sounds douchey to me).

And then lastly you have George Foreman. Before the show last night, I totally had this whole diatribe planned about how useless he'd be on the show that went something like "He didn't INVENT the George Foreman Grill, he just slapped his name on it blah blah blah, the man can't even 'invent' original names or names not a dirivitive of George for his kids how can he be expected to judge an invention contest blah blah blah." But then I saw the show and said diatribe became a moot point, and for reasons I can't explain either. Maybe it was too easy to get the whole "I'm George Foreman and if it's simple to understand I'll give it a yes vote" type of frame of mind he was in. I mean, he just sits there grinning stupidly through all these presentations and is all "I'd buy that" at the end of each one, and it's just perfect. Apparantly Georgie Boy is proof positive of the oldie but goodie "A fool and his money are easity parted" and after all the inane inventions he approved of I have to wonder how he could possibly have maintained his dynasty with the willingness to approve and possibly buy some truly stupid stuff. Dear George Foreman; I hearby salute your inane buying habits. Love; The Bloody Munchkin.

And then, dear God, you have the contestants. The only true bright spot was when the twelve-year-old girl said she wanted to punch the snooty English archetype-er I mean judge. That was the smartest thing I had heard all episode. Too bad she didn't get in. She was a little firecracker. The low spots are too innumerable to count at this point, but there are two that still have me reeling. First, Mr. Intense-guy. First off, Sammy Hagar called, he wants his hair back. Also, tone it down on the intensity. You're either going to pop a blood vessel or go postal, and based on your reaction to the judges, I'm going with the latter. Jesus.

And then we have the dude with The Therapy Buddy. O.k., where to start... The dude is wierd. Nice guy, well meaning, but dude. And then, the doll. Dear lord the doll. I ain't knocking the doll on the looks, it seems like a nice cushie little stuffed thing I'd see next to the strange heart with hands I'm always strangely attracted to at IKEA. I'm knocking it for the voice-over. Have you heard the thing? It's like what would happen if Gollum had been cast as Chucky in Child's Play. All kinds of wrong in that voice over. "Everything's going to be alright." *Shudder*. Yeah everything's going to be all right as soon as someone guts the doll to take out its little voice chip to ensure noboby hears the voice of my nightmares ever again. The inventor of The Therapy Buddy had this whole schpeel that since his appearance on the show, the product has really taken off, and everybody wants a Therapy Buddy, to which I can only shudder. The only people I can think that would by this are B-movie writers who have been battling writers block who just figured out what to base their new horror movie off of, because, did I mention? Stuff of nightmares? Lord.

And the guy gets in! He moves on to the next round!! For all the things the last season had wrong with it, it at least had the sense enough to pass on this thing. Sheesh. The only true bright spot of him getting in happened to be the sequence that followed and the monologue it produced from Fighting Nun and myself, to wit:

Fighting Nun: Is that his partner?
Bloody Munchkin: I think so, but they both look the same, and it looks like they are wearing matching clothing.
Fighting Nun: Are they swinging around in a circle?
Bloody Munchkin: Yes. Yes they are.
Fighting Nun (rewinds scene, plays it in slow motion): Dude, That's some funny stuff right there.
Bloody Munchkin: Yes, very Sound of Music.
Fighting Nun: What?
Bloody Munchkin: You know. Sound of Music? With the kids and the hills and the twirling around together and such?
Fighting Nun: No I don't know.
Bloody Munchkin: "The Heeee-illlllllls arrrrrrrreeeee A-liiiiiiive with the sound of Muuuuusic." You know, Julie Andrews.
Fighting Nun (stifling a laugh): Actually that sounds like your Cowardly Lion.
Bloody Munchkin: No it doesn't. I'll prove it. "If I were KING of the Fooooorrrrrrrrrrrest". See. Different.
Fighting Nun, (no longer stifling laughter): No, they're both the same in that they are both bad.
Bloody Munckin: Jule Andrews, The Cowardly Lion and I all hate you.*

*Actually this is what I would've said had I actually thought of it last night.

So here's to another season of American Inventor, the purpose of which seems to be that it forces Fighting Nun and myself into inane conversations.

Ninja Warrior

So this is a public service announcement, one that I wish the old me from five years ago would read and would say "Wow, that is? Awesome. I am so glad I know about this now." Because knowing that Ninja Warrior existed back then or even knowing back then that it exists now would have brought me five years of joy and lemony freshness, well maybe not lemony freshness, but definately joy.

Ninja Warrior? Is awesome. Teeming with Awesomeness. So-bummed-I-didn't-know-anything-about-it-til-now Awesomeness. To which I have to ask? Why didn't somebody tell me about this before? Somebody's dropping the ball again! Geez. I had to hear about it through a co-worker. Apparantly his adolescent boys love the show, which probably says something bad about my apparant choice in TV shows, but I don't fully understand what that is. Anyhoo. Ninja Warrior. It should be surprising to absolutely no one that I would like this show. Hello! Final-Fu! Duh! Ninja Warrior has so many things to reccomend it: Tasks that could be potentially embarrassing. The possibility for (non-serious) injury. Dominatrix Transvestites. It is absolutely perfect.

The thing that I like most about it though is that it takes itself way too seriously which means I can not take it seriously at all. Let me explain by using another show not unlike this one; MXC. For those of you not in the know regarding MXC, it's a show involving a lot of falling, tripping, running in to things and other means of torturing its contestants, all while some cheesy voice recaps every torturous fall, spill, impaling, and slip. Every part of that show, from the contests, to the hilarious over-dubbing to the replays are done to schlocky effect. Now I appreciate a good unintentional belly flop and/or groin pull as much as the next person, but with MXC there comes a point where it's all "Yeah. O.k. I get the joke. Ha Ha."

But Ninja Warrior? Does just the opposite of this. Every part of it is designed to show you how serious it is, from the over-serious contestants ("I will avenge my brother." Like What? Dude it's an obstacle course. He didn't die, he wasn't maimed. There is nothing to avenge.), to the obstacle course they have to complete (The WARPED Wall! Oooooh! Quaking in my boots), to the fact that it is a timed run (which, what?) to the Japanese Announcer guy they decided to subtitle instead of overdubbing (which has its own awesome appeal, because the Japanese announcer guy sounds all crazed and overzealous, but then the English translation of what he's saying is so mundane, and I stop reading the subtitles because they don't matter anyway and then I start thinking that this announcer dude and the announcer guy who does all the play-by-plays for soccer, you know the guy with the long drawn out "Gooooooooooooollllll" call, should have their own reality show), to the American Announcer used to recap the action (using his best Mr. Moviephone voice). Because this show. Is. So. Serious I have spent a good chunk of the time doubled over in laughter. I mean first off "The Avenge My Brother" guy. Take it easy on the righteous anger dude, geez. Then there was the aforementioned transvestite dominatrix in all her vinyl glory who ended up biffing it on the WARPED Wall of doom, because, let's face it, Fluevog clogs? Not what you should be running an obstacle course in, no matter how well they match your outfit. And to top it all off, they keep panning to shots of the crowd, looking all shocked and dismayed that somebody didn't complete the course. You hear them cheering, and then the guy, or you know, transvestite doesn't complete the course or falls dramatically and then you see the crowd all crestfallen, everyone wearing long faces. It is awesome. And to top that all off, you have the Mr. Moviephone guy giving a recap of the action and how upset everyone is that he didn't make it. It's cheesetastic and the great thing is that it doesn't know its cheesetastic so it ends up being even better!

And then, and then and then??? You have Women of Ninja Warrior. So apparantly they created an obstacle course more suited to test the strengths and weaknesses of women, which what? But I am telling you, Awesome!!! I have to say I appreciate any woman who decides to wear any of the following to an obstacle course; a skirt, a school uniform, repleat with knee socks and pleated plaid skirt (which Fighting Nun was very amused by to say the least), a field hockey uniform, a soccer goalie uniform, a postal worker's uniform, and a cosplay outfit, to which I have to ask; Did you really think you could run an obstacle course in a tutu and fairy wings, plus the wand, because let's not forget the wand? I mean talk about forethought. (The Cosplay chick, in case you were wondering, almost smacked her head into the camera stand in a spectacular splash down. Guess her wand couldn't save her.) And there was the woman who decided to run the course, said obstacle course being on top of a small body of water, who couldn't swim. Genius. Pure and utter genius. Because there are few things more rewarding than to see a woman biff a task and then flail in water for a good thirty seconds, until somebody rescues her and gets her to stand in the water. Perfect.

Did I mention I love this show? Because I love this show. I apparantly love this show so much that my brainwaves permeated Fighting Nun's thinking and he set it up on the season pass on our DVR. There might be a few things better than having all this cheesetasticness at your beck and call but I don't know what they are at this exact moment.