Friday, June 30, 2006

I have voodoo powers...

Or something. Not a day, A DAY, after I verbally jibed Rob Schnieder's career, did he come back in the news. I am very sorry to hear that he was injured and/or suffered a bout of exhaustion on the set and had to be hospitalized. I am also just a tad freaked out that the day after I wrote a strongly worded epitome about how is career sucks that nature and/or karma decided to take matters into her own hands. I can hear Karma now. "You know what, The Bloody Munchkin was right. Maybe I should do something about making sure he doesn't make a movie about an Ex-con who learns kung-fu". But somehow, he survived and his evil plans for world domination, er I mean making mediocre films is still underway, because apparantly you can't slow down robbie boy, probably be he sold his soul to the devil, or Adam Sandler, which given that Adam Sandler played Satan's son in Little Nicky, not really a stretch...

Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Regrettable Career of Rob Schnieder

So, I've meant to do one of these posts for several different people for awhile. My idea is to analyze some sagging celebrity careers in a hopes of pinpointing where it all went wrong, or, in some cases, why it was never right to begin with. I've wanted to write about a few people, but it's never seemed quite timely or topical.

My choosing to analyze Rob Schnieder's ailing career might be only topical to me, because as far as I know Deuce Bigelow: African Gigelo hasn't been made yet (THANK! GOD) and aside from Benchwarmers, he really hasn't been on the horizon for awhile. But somehow, within the last four days, I've seen 20 minutes of two utterly regrettable movies he made: Surf Ninjas and Judge Dredd. After doing so, I'm under the direct impression that my own circle of hell would be being forced to watch all of Rob Schnieder's movies in twenty minute snippets, over and over again, because, with the exception of his guest spot work in Adam Sandler's movies and some of his sketch characters on SNL, he has been in some exceptionally crappy stuff. I mean, there's a couple of things he gets a pass on, but on the whole? Yeah, not so much. When the highlights of your career happen to be various bit players and Adam Sandler stooges. It's time to rethink that career path is what I'm saying.

It's not to say that his acting is wholy terrible, sometimes it is, but sometimes, in some truly crapacious crap, he can be a bright spot. Take Surf Ninjas for example. O.k., I actually have to backtrack a little on this one. When I was in high school, one night I rented a bunch of bad movies and was granted permission at having a few wine coolers while watching said crappy movies by my parents, which I readily agreed to, because it was that or cruising the mean streets of snoozeville USA, again for the umpteen hundredth time of my adolescent career. So there I was, a smidge bit tipsy off Lemon-Lime Bartle and James (I think) watching Surf Ninjas. So my mind at the time, which was clouded not only with sugary wine coolers but also with just being a giggly sixteen year-old girl, which is like a double whammy, so not only did I think that Ernie Reyes Jr. was like the Hottest Martial Artist eva! but I also thought this movie was the funniest thing ever to hit the streets.

And then I saw the first twenty minutes on Sunday, and then suddenly, everything I thought I knew was wrong. This movie kind of really sucked. It sucked Awesomely! (Tone Loc, a cop? Leslie Nielson in metal? Heh. Brilliantly bad!) but overall it sucked. The writing was horrendous, with most of the lines not only being clunky, but on the whole just way over the top surfer-dude-ish to be good. This movie is proof positive why I'm glad Ernie Reyes Sr. has decided to run his chain of martial art studios here in the bay area and has not decided to pursue an acting career full time. Can you say wooden? Somewhere, up in the redwoods of of this fine state of mine, there's a big ole tree going "Yeah that'll do Mr. Reyes Sr. Sir. You're giving us a bad name." But somehow Robbie boy was a bright spot. No, I'm not sure how either. I mean "Moto-surf". Really? But the second he came out in a wheel chair, effecting the most horrible scottish accent, I couldn't help but laugh.

But Judge Dredd? Dear Lord God! There is just, there are no words for how craptacular that movie is. Anyone involved with that POS should have had their SAG cards revoked. And Mr. Schnieder Sir, if you are not only in one but two of Mr. Stallone's more horrid offerings, your card should not only have been revoked, but you should have been walked out of Hollywood, barred from ever coming back. But did that stop you? No! You kept coming back, with even more horrible offerings. The affore Mentioned Deuce Bigelow and Deuce Bigelow sequel, the former of which I have seen, the later which I have not, because I have learned from my mistakes. You apparantly have not, because: The Animal. Also, The Hot Chick.

And sadly, I wish I could say that it's just his career that's becoming regrettable, but somehow it seems to have passed onto his wardrobe lately as well. I mean, have you seen him? I mean, is he trying to become the wee version of Lorenzo Lamas? What is the deal with the suede vest anyway.

So, in conclusion, Robbie boy's career is quite regrettable, but thankfully his body of work is quite avoidable. That is, until the next time Fighting Nun decides to turn the channel to something else he's in that makes me wanna rip my hair out...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Twelve Things I Realized After Seeing X-Men III

  1. I'm impossibly slow on the uptake. Like impossibly slow. I don't want to ruin it for everybody, but the scene? At the end of the credits? Lost me for a good five minutes until?

    Bloody Munchkin: Huh? I don't get it.
    Fighting Nun: Because the guy, in that one scene!
    Bloody Munchkin: What do you mean?
    Fighting Nun: *Whispers in ear*
    Bloody Munchkin: Really?
    Fighting Nun: *Rolls Eyes* Yes really!
    Bloody Munchkin: Dude! Dude! That like... Whoa.
  2. Out of all the hairstyles they could've given Aaron Stanford, they chose the absolutely worst one for his face. The bad peroxide job? The bad cross between "The Spike" and a pompedor? Not working for him. He was so cute in Tadpole. He deserved better than that. So did his hair.
  3. The Kid? Still freaks me out. I caught a snippet of Birth on cable the other day, and I just shuddered the whole time. I mean seriously. I can't put my finger on why, but he's just freaky, and he seems to chose roles meant to freak me out. In fact I'm gonna go as far as saying he should've gotten the part in The Omen. He was robbed! Also, *shudder*.
  4. I can't divorce Ben Foster from his role in Six Feet Under. I like Ben Foster. I even sat through the atrocious teen movie he did with Kiersten Dunst. I cringed when they removed all his piercings in The Punisher. So it saddens me to say that I still see him as the namby-pamby ineffectual, getting-it-on-with-his-teacher bisexual. Sorry Ben, you deserve better. I'll try and work on that. Also, you needed more work in this movie... Also, also, what is with the hair? Talk about Pompedor...
  5. I seem to love movies where I can go, "Ooh, ooh, ooh, It's that guy!" and I can place exactly what else he's been in, or even name him. It's one of my few talents in life.
  6. "Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut bitch!"Might just become the new line I use in traffic. I've been using "Sack Up Ho" with wild abandon in traffic, so it's time to add to my repetoire of phrases to use in traffic, right alongside "On Your SIDE, Snore-y Feldman" (long story) and "Get Behind me Satan!"
  7. Arclight is probably the most androgynous person I have ever seen in a movie ever. Like, not since looking at a picture of the lead singer from AFI has the "Is it a really affeminate boy or a really ugly-mannish looking girl?" quandry been so hard to solve. Like seriously.
  8. So you've just been electrified by a combination of lightening and falling backward on a generator. Apparantly the thing that sizzles most, if not the only thing on your persons that sizzles, is your chin piercing. Not your hair. Not your skin, or your clothes. Just you chin piercing. Apparantly all those informative lectures that I had to sit through when I was growing by the power company were wrong. Interesting.
  9. Dude, Mystique's character lasted a totally of like five minutes in this movie. I did not see that one coming.
  10. The scene with the younger Magneto and younger Xavier? Really bad make-up job yo. I mean seriously. Like scary with the de-age-ifying. Ian McKellen does not unage well is what I'm saying.
  11. Can I just say, that if you insist on putting a memorial up in the front lawn of all the members you lost, you're gonna run out of room in your lawn quick. Why couldn't you just put an urn up on the fireplace like any other self-respecting, God-fearing family.
  12. Wolverine and The Beast are still battling it out in my brain for who has the best hairstyle. I'm saying, the blue? Good look for Kelsey.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Coreys

I know I'm mental, but this article just filled me with glee. The Coreys? On my tv screen? Again? And I'm not watching The Lost Boys? I'm just so happy! And the reason I'm happy is not because I had a crush on these guys growing up, because I can categorically tell you, that boat came and left the dock by the time I was able to have real meaningful crushes. No, the reason I'm happy about this, is that the two of them are utter train wrecks. The drug problems, the sexual addiction, the scores of bad movies made during and after the drug problems. Whatever it was that happened to Corey Haim's teeth. That awesome episode of Greg The Bunny that "The Feldster" saw fit to do, in which he gets clubbed by the cops. They are so utterly bad, they're good. Which is why I watched season 1 of The Surreal Life (The Feldster can not catch a ball to save his life by the way). And is the exact reason I would watch this show. That and, well I tend to watch a lot of crap on tv. Have I mentioned that before?

Bloated Stars

I saw this article this morning, and immediately three thoughts popped into my head:

1. It's not "The Bloat" it's "The Spread" and it happens sometimes. Sometimes people get over it. It happens.

2. Luke Wilson DOES NOT look that bad. Leave the poor man alone.

3. I don't think that before the bloat pictures actually exist for the lesser (only career-wise, because if you're on a list of blated celebs, it sure ain't literal) Baldwin Brothers because I think their bloat is perpetual and all encompassing. Isn't pointing out said perpetual bloat, like kicking someone when they're down???

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Stop the Simon Cowell Pandemic

So I realize I'm about a season too late to jump on the bandwagon, if there is a bandwagon to jump on, but Hell's Kitchen? I kinda love it you guys. I kind of knew about it last summer, but I guess I never watched it. Last night, as I was trying to find something to entertain me in between innings, I found Hell's Kitchen. And. It. Is. Awesome. At first I couldn't really care. The main chef guy? Was grading how they cut meat. Grading. How. They. Cut. Meat. Snore. But then I turned it back for the Dinner Service, which was probably the best thing ever. "You, Mophead! What're you doing?" and "They're all a bunch of muppets." had Fighting Nun and I affecting a snooty English tone and repeating the phrases over and over again.

But it got me thinking. What the hell is with the influx of British Assholes invading my TV? First it was Simon Cowell. Which, with the first seasons of American Idol, was easy enough to avoid, but then he started producing every freaking thing and then it's like all the sudden it snooty Brit with, and I'm sure this is on some casting sheet somewhere, "biting wit" and a penchant for telling people they suck suddenly became a hot commodity. How the hell did this happen? It's not like us Americans don't have ready supply of jerkwads willing to insult people. I mean attending any sports event in an arena will tell you that we have plenty. And I mean plenty. And it's not like England is just overrun with snooty assholes, I'm sure they have their share, but I've watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Professor Giles was cool. Anthony Stewart Head, in all his incarnations, from the guy who made Taster's Choice kinda sexy to the Awesome Giles, is not an Asshole. There have to be more of 'em where he came from.

So what's with the influx of British Ragewads on my TV? Really? I'm dying to know. I mean, I can think of a handful of them right now. Simon, the snooty guy on American Inventor, the other snooty guy on So You Think You Can Dance.There's a snooty, but slightly hot, but still very snooty guy on America's Next Top Model. I think there was even a snooty guy on Dancing with The Stars, but I can't totally recall because I could only watch it for like two minutes before my eyes threatened to explode. The funny part is that, with exception of this guy on Hell's Kitchen, none of them are really all that entertaining. It they were more like they guy on Hell's Kitchen, I might give "America's Got Top Dance Idol" or whatever the hell a chance. But I'm telling you, if the next show involving a panel has another Damned Snooty English Asshole, I'm going to go postal.

I'm calling this trend, or what I really think happens to be a pandemic, The Simon Cowell Pandemic or SCP for short.

Won't you please put a stop to the pandemic? Won't you think of the children???

Monday, June 19, 2006

The myriad emotions experienced while cleaning my house

Alternate Titles:
The Bloody Munchkin vs. The Vacuum Cleaner's Green Light of Cleanliness
1. Determination - "This kitchen is gonna gleam damnit!"

2. Frustration - *Tromp Tromp Tromp* "God Damn It FIghting Nun! Swiffering Here!" *Tromp Tromp Tromp* "I. AM. SWIFFERING!" *Tromp Tromp Tromp* "Pick A Room! Stay In It! Respect the swiffer!"

3. Confused Frustration - "O.k., so let me get this straight. I've vacuumed over this part of the floor at least thirty times, but theevil Red Light of floor dirtiness on the Vacuum cleaner hasn't gone off and the Green Light, representing all that is good and clean in this world has not come on? Why? I mean, I've vacuumed over this spot several times. It can not be that dirty. Can it?

4. Guilt. Guilt and Shame. - "O.k., maybe the floor really can be that dirty. I mean, when was the last time I vacuumed? Has it really been that long? Yes, yes it has been. This floor has to be absolutely. There's probably enough dog hair residing in this carpet to build a couple other dogs, or a sweater, or perhaps knit a blanket. I am so horrible. I can't believe I haven't vacuumed in so long that the floor will now be perpetually dirty. The dude from Dirty Jobs is now going to host a show in my carpet because it is that dirty. I am so horrible. I've had this house only, what, three months and now the carpet is so dirty that it will never get clean. I am horrible.

5. Contrition - "O.k. God, or the carpet gods or whatever. I promise from now on. to clean the carpet and vacuum every week if you see it fit to just make the clean light come on for just a little bit so as to verify that the rug is just a little clean. Please that's all I ask."

6. Anger - "What the hell do I have to do to get the FREAKING Green Light to come on so that I know that the carpet is at least somewhat clean for Christ's Sake? I just. HATE!!! HATEY HATE HATE!!!

7. Scientific Analysis - "It seriously can not be me and the floor. There's gotta be a reasonable explanation. Maybe the filter needs to be cleaned or replaced or I need to empty out the container...."

8. Dirty - This isn't so much a feeling as it is actually a physical state, because when I pull out the container and the filter, a huge mushroom cloud of fine silty dirt and dog hair came out, covering me in a thin layer of whatever's been residing in my carpet since the last time I vacuumed. I look like a badly assembled muppet that wasn't assembled with felt but with dog hair and flour. Actually, I look like... O.k. so remember that scene in The Sandlot when they're trying to get the Babe Ruth baseball out of the clenches of the beast and they use a vacuum cleaner, but then the beast pinches the hose and the vacuum cleaner builds up and explodes and covers all the kids in dirt? Yeah. Like that.

9. Triumph - "Ha Ha. Green Light of Cleaning success!!!! I am not a horrible cleaning person thingy! Yeah!!!"

10. Repeat Emotions 4 - 9 a good five times. I had to empty out that vacuum cleaner and clean the filter the same amount of times because I have a dog. Who is shedding. Shedding the equivalant of this body weight in fact. All over my carpet. And has been doing so since the last time I vacuumed which means I could build at least five little dogs out of the amount of shedded dog hair I cleaned up.

11. Commiseration - "Oh, Dirty Jobs Father's Day Marathon, how much you have brightened my spirits. I'm so feeling him right now."

12. Glee - At the same time I was cleaning, Fighting Nun and his dad were doing manly things and working on a car. And when you work on a car you get greasy. They asked me to help them get clean, which meant running the hose and doling out soap, which meant... In best Harvey Kietel voice "Well, now I'm sure you've both been to county." Then I sprayed them with water and cackled. It's not often i get to use that one. It made me inordinately happy. No, I do not know why. Yes, I will be seeking therapy. The second moment of glee came when I watched somebody twelve-point park a mini van in the Target parking lot. It was a cross between that scene in Austin Powers where he gets the golf cart stuck and like some stranger performance art.

13. Inadequacy - I can only blaim my feelings of inadequacy on the fact that my battle with the vacuum cleaner had left me feeling just a little bit vulnerable and shaken, but when I went down the cleaning supplies aisle, I felt my unworth just a little bit. My inner monologue went something like this "Dude, that is one big broom, and the little hand held broom with the dustpan." "What would you even use that for. You are not an umpire." "I know but it's all cool and tidy like. Ooh, look a the aweome little soap dispensing scrub brush. I want one of those." "You do not need a soap dispensing scrub brush." "Yeah I do... Oh look, a squeegee!" "You do not need a squeeqee, what would you even use it for any way." For squeegeeing stuff, and to get to say the word squeegee alot." "YOU DO NOT NEED A SQUEEGEE." "But look at all this stuff. No wonder I don't have a clean house, I am missing the important tools with which to do my job!" "Fine. Grab the soap dispenser thing and let get out of here.

14. Frustration - "God damnit Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. You are supposed to be the magical solution to all my marked wall problems! I demand! You Supply, Magic Eraser Thingie. Obey Me!" "Aren't you supposed to get it wet first?" "Really?"

15. Admiration - "Look at that, the markings on the wall came off!"

16. Urgency, followed by panic - So you know that rule about whatever can go wrong, will? I think that rule is trying to play itself out in our house. We sprung a leak, or more to the point, the second bathroom shower sprung a leak that decided to drain out through a hole in the eve overhanging the garage, which totally freaked us out. And made us curse up and down that we weren't more organized with our paperwork involving our warranty or whatever.

17. Control - One call to the warranty guy later, I felt in control of the situation, which isn't much like me at all...

18. Indignation - "Damn It dog! I just vacuumed! Did you have to pick this particular moment, right after I could build a to scale replica of you WITH YOUR OWN HAIR to shed the equivelant of another muppet costume? That's it. You're getting a B-A-T-H."

19. Commiseration - "I know you don't like getting a bath. But it's really not that bad. You're outside, see, so it's o.k. You'll get to roll around and lay in sun all you want once I've desasquatchified you. Really."

20. Wet - Not once, in the 6 years of owning this dog have I figured out how to fend off or avoid "The Shake" altogether. He shakes off water, I get wet. These are the facts.

21. Contentment/Exhaustion - "The house is clean, the dog is clean, unhappy with us, but clean, we've warded off domicile apocolypse for the time being. I think I'm gonna take a nap..."

I Got Quoted!

Like for real! On like another blog and everything! Somebody is actually using something I wrote to prove a point and like stuff. That, like never happens! But it's for a good cause! Bring Back Ish. And Danny. And Alex. And Big Dane.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Pimp My Ride: The New Class

So I caught the new episode of Pimp My Ride in the new garage, with the new cast last night, and may I just say, it was exactly as dissapointing as I predicted. Overall, it did what a Pimp My Ride episode does best, it had plenty of X to the Z eyebrow pops, it had the pimpee in question freaking out when he got his fixed up ride. What it didn't have was Alex, and Danny, and Ish, and Big Dane. What it did have was an owner who was too busy mugging for the camera to care about anything else. And can we talk about the owner, Beau or whatever, for a sec? What is up with the hair? Jon Bon Jovi circa the Dead or Alive video called. He wants his hair back. And while we're on the subject of hair follicles, the dude who is a sub-par accessories guy on this show, the one with the spikey hair and the equally sub-par eyebrow pops and half-ass attempts of looks of inquisitive that turn into looks of stupid confusion because all the TIGI products he is using to make sure his hair will not move have apparantly eaten at his brain? That guy? I refuse to learn names for the new cast because they are unworthy at this point, but that's besides the point. The point is he looks stupid with the hair and the hair dye and piercings and all. I'm not against the punk hair. I usually applaud the mohawk and the faux-hawk and especially the died mohawk. That hair takes guts and anybody who has got the guts to go for it, well in the immortal words of Eddie on Empire Records "You're a Rebel Man, We salute you."

But on this guy? It's just for show. The hair is pretentious and so is he. If you are sporting a certain look, you've got to own it is what I'm saying. Alex owned those chin spikes. Owned them. This guy? Not so much.

It's not say that this episode didn't have it's moments. The new interiors guy? The pseudo-Ish? Cracked My Shit Up. He made me momentarily happy. He gets a pass. But everybody else on this show, Mad Mike included? Better step their game up if they expect to keep me as a viewer is what I'm saying. Who am I kidding? I'll probably watch anyway, that's how low my TV watching standards are. I even watch "So You Think You Can Dance" so it's not like I ask alot from the programming folks, but still. Pimp My Ride, Step your game up or I'm walking...

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Stephen Dorff, Confused Crossdresser?

Fighting Nun is not going to let me live this one down....

So once upon a time I was obsessed (OBSESSED) with Stephen Dorff. I mean, it was my teens and all, but it was full on. I'm talking just a leettle bit over the edge here. Actually let me start from the beginning. I was nine years old and I stumbled upon a really bad horror movie on WGN called "The Gate". I was enamored. Hated the movie. Loved the boy in the movie.

Fast forward to my teens when I become obsessed with a movie called "The Power of One". I'm talking "Had the Soundtrack and the Movie Poster" obsessed. Swooning obsessed. Later I found out that the lead boy in the Gate was one in same with the older PK. And it WAS ON. I have forced Fighting Nun to see some god awful movies to try and sate my Stephen Dorff fix. Space Truckers. Feardotcom. That Britney Spears video.

Fighting Nun made a joke out of my obsession, to wit "Why you into a gay man?" And now, here's some vaguely worded proof, or something. He's into women's clothing. If he's the next Ru Paul, I might have to fling myself off a building...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Nacho Libre

So am I nuts or am I the only one who wants to see Nacho Libre? I know I'm the only one in my household anyway. I get all excited when one of the commercials comes on, Fighting Nun just rolls his eyes and not even the dog can be bothered. But it's genius. Geeenius.

Jack Black. In Blue Tights. And what I'm taking to be a Jew-Fro. Wrestling. What's not to love? I mean that hair alone is worth the price of admission. And the mustache. And the eyebrow pops (I know, I know, he does that in every movie). Come On People. Brilliant!!!

O.k., I get Fighting Nun's reservations. We've been burned before. Orange County. School of Rock. Saving Silverman (shudder). But that doesn't change the fact that I'm Jack Black's bitch and have been since Airborne. He was Augie Damn it! The second he was in that film sealed my fate as such. That's a long story, but still. It's Jack Black in Tights and Jew-Fro. How can the man who brought to the world Inward Singing and Karate Schnitzel be bad? You know how? You don't do you, because HE CAN'T BE. He's in Tenacious MOTHER-FUCKING D for Christ's Sake. You and I must see his movie now!!! Jack Black Commands You!!! So Do the Tights!!! And the Jew-Fro!!! The Jew-Fro asks for Your Obedience!!! Obey!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drifzzzzz

O.k., this is not a review of the movie, because I haven't seen it, am not going to pay money to see it in the theaters, and have done good to avoid the Fast and the Furious enterprise as a whole, except for the first one, and no I don't have a good reason why I watched it. I just did, O.k.?

This post is more of a gripe about Lucas Black, who I used to like whole hell of a lot, not in a Ohmygodheissooooocute kinda way, because I was in my late teens when American Gothic came out, and that show, and him by association gave me the heebs, but I can remember admiring him because here he was a kid in a very dark TV show and he pulled off his character convincingly. And Slingblade. He was great in that.

He was this kid actor, taking up unconventional roles and I applauded him for that. But jumping in on the Fast in the Furious franchise? It just bums me out. I thought better of him. And the way he's coming off in the ads, especially in the radio ads. Jesus. His accent in those ads makes me wanna tear my hair out. Tone it down a bit with the "Ahm juss a good ole boy" by way of the ghetto accent your trying to pull off, because? Not working. Also? Making you sound ridiculous. Also, when did you start looking like a cross between Sean Patrick Flannery and Paul Walker? Cause, when you were a kid, I did not see that coming. Now, looking at your IMDB profile, I can hear a casting agent in head going "Now where can I find a country-fried Paul Walker , but with slightly more brain cells? Hmm, I've got it. Lucas Black." And that just depresses me. I expected more from this kid is all than being a Paul Walker knockoff and starring in Paul Walker's throw-aways.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Pimp My Ride

I'm sure that the small audience I do have is probably sick of hearing me go on and on with my TV related rants, but you're about to hear another one, regardless. Ready???

Sunday, I got to do my second favorite activity, which is stay at home while Fighting Nun goes windsurfing so I can have complete control of the remote control, able able to watch whatever crap I want. There's something to be said about the utter fulfillment I get from being able to watch whatever happens to be on the television without the dreaded veto looming over me. You know what I mean, statements like "Oh My God, we are not watching this." and "This is a re-run. We have already seen it. Turn. The. Channel." with the eye roll to follow whatever channel choice I decide to make. The Veto. And let me just say that I know the crap I watch is crap. I know, that at my age, I have no earthly business watching whatever it is the braintrusts at MTV decides to roll out with, but I watch it anyway. But that's not the point here.

So I'm watching Sunday, and the skies part and the heavens open wide and there is a Pimp My Ride marathon on TV. I love Pimp My Ride. I love Pimp My Ride Marathons. I love Pimp My Ride reruns, which really annoys Fighting Nun because, see above. Yes I know I've seen the one where they make over that girl's truck and create a wall of TV's in the truck bed, but it does not diminish the awesomeness. I don't care. I will watch it again. Whenever it is on TV. That's how much I love Pimp My Ride. So I'm watching yesterday, and teasers for the new season come on. Which makes me happy. The teasers show a new garage. Which makes me confused. (GAS? This is not West Coast Customs. What is going on here???) The teasers show a whole new cast. Which makes me sad. It makes me more than sad. It breaks my heart actually. It breaks my heart into a million teeny-tiny pieces. You mean to tell me, that this new season is devoid of Ish? And Big Dane? And, and Alex? And, and, and Danny? I just, I just... *Sob*. I do not know what to do with this information. I mean, I love me some Xzibit and I'll probably follow him to the ends of the earth because he has some of the best one-liners and dead pans I have ever witnessed. But the thing is I loved the cast at West Coast Customs too. Alex hung chandelier parts off his chin spikes. That's some funny crap right there man.

I mean, I guess I get that the show decided to follow Mad Mike to the new garage or whatever, but he was probably in the bottom three on my list of favorites in the crew. Because did I mention Ish? And Big Dane? And, and Alex? And, and, and Danny? Those guys were awesome. They made me happy. Ish with his broken English, Alex with his chin spikes and picking on Danny, and Danny taking shuttlecocks to the huevos and Big Dane being Big Dane. They were great. They put a smile on my face and now they are gone, banished to reruns, from which they may never return. And Fighting Nun has twice denounced the procurement of Pimp My Ride DVDs, so I have no idea what I'm gonna do to get my fix.

And based on the trailers for the upcoming season, the new crew looks like a bunch of preening assholes. Your cockiness does not impress me dudes. You're gonna have to be funny, and ridiculous, and silly if you want to gain my love and respect. Danny did a take-off of that Mitsubishi Car Commercial with the dancing and the Dirty Vegas song, complete with ridiculous pink cap and scarf to win my affections. What are you gonna do for me? Huh, huh, huh??? Is this cast and crew willing to look like big dorks to win me over? I think not. Which saddens me. X to Z can only take it so far with the funny one liners and the eyebrow pops of confusion and the cracking up wildly on camera. The new cast has to bring it, with funny costumes, and completely over the top sight gags, and just the general tom-foolery, which I don't think is gonna happen. Which depresses me.

Once I saw the trailer a second time, I turned off the TV, thoroughly depressed in what I just saw. My heart just couldn't take it anymore. Watching old episodes of what is never to be again? I just, I couldn't take it. Pimp My Ride, why have you forsaken my West Coast Customs crew needs? Why would you do this to me?

Now if you all will excuse me, I'm gonna go sit in a corner and cry.

Friday, June 02, 2006

An Open Letter to my Car Radio/CD Player/Tape Player

Dear Radio;

Please, for the love of God, stop freaking out on me. I just can't take it. You've worked well for 6+ years now, but all the sudden you're starting to go all wonky and I'm at a loss regarding how to deal with it. When I first got you, along with the car, I was all "Rad! It's got a CD player and a Tape Deck. Sweet!" But truth is, I haven't used the Tape Deck part of you in the time I've had a car. I'm not sure if Fighting Nun and I even have tapes anymore. The one tape I even know that we still have happens to be a mixed tape I made back in high school that is highly embarrassing because It happened to be a mixed tape I made over something I had taped when I was in elementary school, which happened to be my third-grade self singing a song I had written at that age with my little casio keyboard. Not my best work. Trust me. I didn't exactly record over that part really well, so right at the very beginning of side B, I think, there's me singing. And Then Smashing Pumpkin's Siemese Dream starts up, which is a bit bizarre, but anyway. Fighting Nun loves this tape, for reasons I can't quite understand and has kept it in a safe location unbeknownst to me, because I swore that if I ever saw that tape again, I'd destroy it on sight.

Ahem, back to point. It just so happens that the tape deck part of you is the part that is freaking out. And I'm talking FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. I'm talking Joan Crawford style freakout except in tape form. I mean, I'll be listening to one of my CD's or the radio. And everything has to stop in obeisance of your temper tantrum. I get to listen nothing else for at least a good five minutes but you whining and throwing an electronic version of a SHIT FIT for no good reason. And not two minutes later, just when I think you've settled down, YOU DO IT AGAIN! You did that two me a total of seven (SEVEN!!!) times this morning. And I don't appreciate it not one bit.

Look, I'm sorry I haven't used you at all since I've had the car, but please, please don't do this to me. I'll go mad. Literally mad. I have not once had to endure a forty minute car trip alone, with no music and only my brain to keep me company, and I'm pretty sure that if I did, every subsequent trip would be the car ride equivelant to "The Yellow Wallpaper", and I can tell you right now, that ain't gonna be pretty.

So, please tape deck, no more tempertantrums please. I get now that you don't like me, and I'm starting to detest you, but let's just live in relative harmony for a couple more years. Although Fighting Nun says, that if the problem persists, we might break out a tape and try get you to working, which means we'll have to break out "The Tape" which means I might have a shot at destroying it, so by all means, go right ahead...

Keep it up and I'll show you a Real SHIT FIT;
The Bloody Munchkin

Thursday, June 01, 2006


There's Sumo Wrestling to be had in the Bay Area, soon, and nobody told me??? For Shame. I had to find out about this event on the back of a municipal bus. And can I talk Fighting Nun into it? No. Not at all. Which sucks, because... SUMO!!!

Our conversation went something like this:

Fighting Nun: Hello.
Bloody Munchkin: So, uhm on the 17th of June, there's going to be Sumo Wrestling at the Oakland Arena.
Fighting Nun: So?
Bloody Munchkin: Soooo. SUMO! There's sumo and there's wrestling and... and SUMO!!!
Fighting Nun: That's nice dear (right here is where I could swear I heard his eyeballs physically rolling up into his brain.)
Bloody Munchkin: But, but, but... SUMO!!! Big guys, small short underwear things, one ring, two men enter, one man leaves... Come On. SUMO!!!
Fighting Nun: ...
Bloody Munchkin: It would be so awesome, and there'd be... and the... you really don't want to go do you?
Fighting Nun: Not so much.
Bloody Munchkin: Fine...

O.k. I realize I have probably an unrealistic view of the sport, what with the way it's portrayed on TV and all, but SUMO!!! I don't care if it has been sensationalized on TV and the event itself might probably way boring, but I'm convinced that watching two very big men both having man-boobs the size of my head slap each other around and wrestle for a couple of minutes each, cannot be boring. If we could drink, even better. I'm convinced there is a drinking game to be played somewhere in this event.

I'm still plying Fighting Nun, because SUMO!!! It's just... SUMO!!! What, now I'm losing you guys too? Sumo? Aw c'mon. Sumo! Sumo? Sumo...