Wednesday, June 06, 2012

A disjointed, rambling review to the craptastical Red Riding Hood

Can we talk about Red Riding Hood you guys? Because I really need to talk about it. Because this movie? Was bad, awesomely bad in about a 100 ways, bad bad in just about as many ways and just a complete case of WTF. In order to explain the badness of this movie I’m probably going to be as all over the place and disjointed as the movie was (Heh.) but here it goes anyway.

And really, I don’t know where to start, Gary Oldman’s overacting maybe? Only, what’s a scenery chewer who doesn’t get enough scenery to chew? Because he shows up all dramatically and flaunts some bad-assery and then? Nothin’. Killed off unceremoniously before the getting’s good. If you’re gonna put Gary Oldman in a small ass part, at least let him unleash the Kraken and really work that small ass part, or else its worth not.

Also, on a related note. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT put Christine ‘Delores Herbig Brown Eyes’ Willes in a movie and not give her room to be the glorious bug eyed crazy I know she is capable of being. I watched the movie all, “Oh she’s got to be the big bad and she’s gonna unleash the crazy,” and she wasn’t the big bad and she didn’t go all apeshit and I didn’t get to see her unleash the Kraken I know she’s capable of unleashing and that was another utter disappointment. The woman who sent her poor dead cat Murray’s ashes intofreaking space deserves better!

And also on the same related note. Oh Lukas Haas, I don’t even know where to begin anymore. And it’s like he’s allowed himself to ride the bench only to pinch hit in the crappiest of games when the movie is down like 9-zip. I mean, obviously, Material Girls. And yes I watched it! And no I don’t have a good excuse, but you guys know the crap I’m capable of watching. Do I really need an excuse? And don’t give me, but what about Inception being his starring vehicle. He was barely in that freaking movie. Once you get to Tom Hardy flexing his stuff in the suit, his cameo is all but forgotten. He deserves and can do much better. This was beneath him and yet, apparently it wasn’t. So freaking sad. (I’m not even gonna talk about Virginia Madsen. Freaking Sad Ya’ll.)

Also freaking sad? The male leads set to be Amanda Seyfried’s romantic interests in this movie. If I had to choose between completely doughy and utterly soft Henry and completely wooden and sullen Peter, I would’ve Kelly Taylored the situation and chosen myself too (which OK, technically, she didn't do, but still). I mean, Yes Tweedle Dumb, er I mean Shiloh Hernandez is as sultry looking as they come but that’s as far as it goes. He’s about as deep as a Keeping Up the Kardashian’s rerun. The little I’ve seen of his work I feel like there’s no substance there. And Tweedle Dumber, I mean Max Irons? Whose idea of acting is to turn ‘Baby Pout and Doe Eyes’ to eleven and see what happens? Yeah, not feeling him either.

And this is where I switch gears completely and rant about Billy Burke for an eon, because Jesus. I’m glad to see that the caterpillar that afflicted his face for the Twilight movies was nowhere to be seen in this one, but I almost feel like maybe it would’ve helped make his thankless role more palatable because at least I’d be distracted by the porn-stache. Instead I’m stuck with the most boring end to a movie ever and Shiloh doing a bunch of lower eyelid acting to the camera as he realizes He’s Infected with The Werewolf! Dun Dun Duuuuuuuunnnnnn and their love can never be until he can control eeeeetttttt! Duuuuuunnnnn!

And god did some of the major plot points/major characterization feel just ripped wholesale from Twilight. And I get that Hardwicke directed both this and the first twilight but there were several places where I’m like “Are you directing a new movie or just copying moves from your old one?

It wasn’t all bad really. I mean I realized my girl crush on Amanda Seyfried is still intact, as if I needed validation, but it’s pretty much bad. Sorry Hardwicke et al, this was a steaming turd pile, but one in which I will watch every time it’s on cable from now to eternity. C-

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