Can we talk about Red Riding Hood you guys? Because I really
need to talk about it. Because this movie? Was bad, awesomely bad in about a
100 ways, bad bad in just about as many ways and just a complete case of WTF.
In order to explain the badness of this movie I’m probably going to be as all
over the place and disjointed as the movie was (Heh.) but here it goes anyway.
And really, I don’t know where to start, Gary Oldman’s
overacting maybe? Only, what’s a scenery chewer who doesn’t get enough scenery
to chew? Because he shows up all dramatically and flaunts some bad-assery and
then? Nothin’. Killed off unceremoniously before the getting’s good. If you’re gonna
put Gary Oldman in a small ass part, at least let him unleash the Kraken and
really work that small ass part, or else its worth not.
Also, on a related note. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT put
Christine ‘Delores Herbig Brown Eyes’ Willes in a movie and not give her room to be the glorious
bug eyed crazy I know she is capable of being. I watched the movie all, “Oh
she’s got to be the big bad and she’s gonna unleash the crazy,” and she wasn’t
the big bad and she didn’t go all apeshit and I didn’t get to see her unleash
the Kraken I know she’s capable of unleashing and that was another utter
disappointment. The woman who sent her poor dead cat Murray’s ashes intofreaking space deserves better!
And also on the same related note. Oh Lukas Haas, I don’t
even know where to begin anymore. And it’s like he’s allowed himself to ride
the bench only to pinch hit in the crappiest of games when the movie is down
like 9-zip. I mean, obviously, Material Girls. And yes I watched it! And no I
don’t have a good excuse, but you guys know the crap I’m capable of watching.
Do I really need an excuse? And don’t give me, but what about Inception being
his starring vehicle. He was barely in that freaking movie. Once you get to Tom
Hardy flexing his stuff in the suit, his cameo is all but forgotten. He
deserves and can do much better. This was beneath him and yet, apparently it
wasn’t. So freaking sad. (I’m not even gonna talk about Virginia Madsen.
Freaking Sad Ya’ll.)
Also freaking sad? The male leads set to be Amanda
Seyfried’s romantic interests in this movie. If I had to choose between
completely doughy and utterly soft Henry and completely wooden and sullen Peter, I would’ve Kelly Taylored the situation and chosen myself too (which OK, technically, she didn't do, but still). I mean,
Yes Tweedle Dumb, er I mean Shiloh Hernandez is as sultry looking as they come but that’s as far as it
goes. He’s about as deep as a Keeping Up the Kardashian’s rerun. The little
I’ve seen of his work I feel like there’s no substance there. And Tweedle Dumber, I mean Max Irons? Whose idea of acting is to turn ‘Baby Pout and Doe Eyes’ to eleven and see
what happens? Yeah, not feeling him either.
And this is where I switch gears completely and rant about
Billy Burke for an eon, because Jesus. I’m glad to see that the caterpillar
that afflicted his face for the Twilight movies was nowhere to be seen in this
one, but I almost feel like maybe it would’ve helped make his thankless role
more palatable because at least I’d be distracted by the porn-stache. Instead
I’m stuck with the most boring end to a movie ever and Shiloh doing a bunch of
lower eyelid acting to the camera as he realizes He’s Infected with The
Werewolf! Dun Dun Duuuuuuuunnnnnn and their love can never be until he can
control eeeeetttttt! Duuuuuunnnnn!
And god did some of the major plot points/major
characterization feel just ripped wholesale from Twilight. And I get that
Hardwicke directed both this and the first twilight but there were several
places where I’m like “Are you directing a new movie or just copying moves from
your old one?
It wasn’t all bad really. I mean I realized my girl crush on
Amanda Seyfried is still intact, as if I needed validation, but it’s pretty
much bad. Sorry Hardwicke et al, this was a steaming turd pile, but one in
which I will watch every time it’s on cable from now to eternity. C-
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