Perhaps I had too many expectations, perhaps @JAMNPP's review had me believing my twelve-year-old self would also receive a big ole' robotic handjob of awesomeness from this movie. But really, this movie just found my husband and I MST3King the whole thing, making jokes about rim jobs and big holes that needed to be filled. Don't get me wrong, that was worth the price we paid to On Demand to watch the movie, but that shouldn't have been our first instinct.
I have to say I don't know how, but my disbelief wasn't nearly as suspended as it needed to be to glide over some glaring logic consistencies, or some really apparent plot holes that just didn't make sense. Not to mention that Charlie Day and Burn Gorman just annoyed me completely. Talk about a black hole of suckitude. I kept telling Charlie Day to stop doig a cut-rate Rick Moranis impression (Which I'm not wrong. I didn't even have to look hard for this pic, I mean, come on), and Burn Gorman to tone down the Willem Dafoe creepiness because, well, we already have a Willem Dafoe and he's creepy enough. But now thinking about it, Burn Gorman is what happens when a mad scientist takes Willem Dafoe's DNA and mashes with Crispin Glover's hairline and watches what happens. And what happens is annoying.
And the thing that was really annoying was the women in the movie, most notably, the lack thereof. We get to the scene where Charlie Hunnam's character walks off that helicopter and we meet Mako for the first time and Fighting Nun and I had this notable exchange:
Fighting Nun: Hummana!
Bloody Munchkin (giving him the side eye): Really?
FN: Yeah!
BM (more side eye): Really?
FN: She's the only chick in this movie, pretty much. What else do you want from me?
BM: Weird. Your choices are a poor man's Brigitte Nielsen parading around in military gear or this chick, sporting her best Ramona Flowers hairdo. Slim pickings.
But the notable absence of women in the movie just became more noticeable the whole way through. Are you telling me that in the future monster apocalypse, it's still men doing all of the heavy lifting and there's not a woman with any notable career in the whole of this? If Burn Gorman, or Charlie Day had been replaced with a plucky girl trying to make her way in a science career, I would've lauded this movie more than nitpick it to death. Really, I think that's all it would've taken.
But enough of what the movie didn't have, and more about what it did have going for it, which for starters was lot of broody but hot Hunnam and Rob Kazinski doing his best Ice Man impression, which I gotta say was pretty damned good. The other thing the movie had that I loved (and wished it had a lot more of) is Clifton Collins Jr. May I take a moment to explain just how much of a Clifton Collins Jr. fan girl I am and how I think he's criminally underused in just about everything he's in. That guy had me by the short and curlies ever since he uttered the phrase "Found a loophole bitch. I oughta be a lawyer" and every time I spot him, I get little heart palpitations and a big ole smile on my face because every scene he's in is utterly going to awesome just cause he's in it.
Ahem, sidetracked sorry.
The other thing this movie had was a lot of action and a lot of monsters and a lot of robots and a lot of action with monsters and robots. Both of which I should've loved a lot more than I did. I don't know why, but both fell short in the impressing me category. Still awesome but less awe-inspiring. My eyes didn't pop out of my head like I was hoping. The fight scenes while fun, logistically fell short. You're only sending a giant robot? No air support, no drones with nukes? The F? And if these stupid-ass Kaiju could 'poof' send things through the magical hole of destiny, why didn't they send everything? And, and, and, Gah. See what mean about my disbelief not being being suspended enough? Needs more duct tape. I'ma work on that.
But overall, it was a pleasurable experience, more pleasurable than I've made it out to be and definately worth a watch. B+
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