Thursday, September 21, 2006

Scenes From a Dentist's Chair

So, up until about a month ago, I hadn't been to a dentist in two years (shhh! Don't tell my mom). So I broke down and went a month or so ago. Yesterday I had to go back in to get a cavity filled. Can I just say that Dentists offices are a special brand of hell in and of themselves? Because they are. I never quite remember how much I dislike the experience, which is probably good for me, because if I remember how aweful each and every visit is, I probably would be quite worse with my dental care regime than I am, because Evil!!!

It's not that I hate dentists. Most dentists I've ever been too have been personable enough. Although my last one was a bit abrupt and a bit aggressive on the flossing thing. I really didn't appreciate the flossing tutorial, I'll just say. This dentist is nice. He seems like a good-natured guy, his staff is nice and one of his aides complimented my hair. His office is nice and pleasant, doesn't feel as antiseptic and unwelcoming as some. That part I'm good with. It's just well, It's a dentist. The light, the noise, the inspection. I just dread it. DREAD IT!

Here's a few snippets of my inner monologue during the process.

So what was I coming in for today? Did he want to talk to me about evening out my bite, or was it about the night guard again, or was I getting the pesky cavity filled? I hope it wasn't a cavity fill. I've got to prepare myself for something like that first. Really I do. Aw, his dentist technician seems nice. It's nice that she's asking about my commute home. I wonder why she cares. "Will you be able to call someone if you feel woozy?" Why would I feel woozy. It's not like he's going to numb me. Oh crap, he is going to numb me. No, no he can't. Because I'm not coming in for a cavity fill. Am I?

Thanks for instructing me to lie down Mr. Dentist Man, but with your little automatic chair thingie, it's not like I really had a choice. So can we skip the semantics?

He's going to play a movie why he's all in my mouth. That's rather nice of him. Josh Grobin Live. I've heard of Josh Grobin. Not really heard his music, but my friends say he's cute, maybe this won't be so bad after all... Uhm, is he singing in English? And why is he warbling off key? I... don't understand?

So, uhm, he just used the little blue stick of numbiness on me. I think, yes I think this is a cavity fill...

BIG NEEDLE! BIG NEEDLE IN CHEEK! BIG EFFING NEEDLE IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW! AUGH! THIS, THIS IS WHAT I MENTALLY NEEDED TO PREPARE FOR. Your warbling and all those violins are not helping me right now Josh Grobin! Why didn't you tell me there'd be a big needle in my mouth right now, Josh Grobin, if that is your real name? Thanks for your hand nurse. Yes I know I'm squeezing hard, but there's a big needle, see, in my mouth, see? And it's kind of freaking me out right now. If I had time and the capacity to actually talk right now, I'd recount the story why I hate HATE needles, regarding pain medication that got injected in my buttocks when I got my Appendix taken out at the tender age of 14 and the needle I bent to tarnation because it hurt and I jumped and now I hate needles, but I can't recount that story because my mouth is numb right now and... Why'd you hand me safety goggles? Is that really necessary?

By the sound of the drill, and the five hundred instrument you just sat down in my mouth, I see that the safety goggles are a necessary precaution. Why am I suddenly thinking about that machine in A Clockwork Orange? Maybe Kubrick's inspiration for it is a dentist's chair.
O.k., so this Josh Grubin is pretty cute. He's kind of got a fro that he's working pretty well. I just... don't get the music. I... Oh dude. The dentist is coming back at me with all manner of... Don't want to know. Must close eyes. Should not look at the devil's tools currently residing in my mouth. But I must look at Josh Grobin's fro. Although... more warbling again. Yeah, I guess I'll pass... Closing eyes now.

Jaw tired. Must close mouth. Wow. I didn't know I'd get shunned for closing my mouth. Great a bite block. Why don't you just give me a bridle and tempt me with a carrot while you're at it. Pull on the reigns and ride me on in to town why don't cha?

O.k., so Josh Grobins like lead violinist or whatever? Very cute? She's rockin that violin hard ya'll, seriously.

O.k., more things involving needles, yes I understand it's only the composite and is not technically being inserted anywhere important, anywhere I can feel at least, but I don't want to see it. I just don't.

Ow! Or at least I think ow, but I don't actually feel ow, but I see blood. Yes he apologized for pinching my lip, but still. I'm bleeding over here. In the immortal words of Nelson "You made me bleed my own blood!" And do I feel any difference? You really have the nerve to ask me that? What do you think? You just filled my left jaw with enough novacaine to fell an elephant and you ask me if I CAN FEEL ANY DIFFERENCE? No. And also, don't expect to carry on a conversation with me, because I am dribbling right now and am not capable of it. Also, do me a big favor; when you are talking to me, address me. Because there were like nine different times when I thought you were instructing me to do something and you were actually talking to your assistant but I didn't know it so I made some sound trying to convey that I didn't hear you, and you're all, "Don't move. Don't talk." Well not my fault Mr. Glumbles-Instructions. I get confused easy.

SHUT UP JOSH GROBIN! Shut up Josh Grobin's singing, shut up Josh Grobin's spastic violin section with the swaying of drunkenness, shut up Josh Grobin's squinting while singing, and God help me, shut up Josh Grobin's hair. You are not helping right now.

And I'm done. Dude, just dude. Stupid Josh Grobin.

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