Thursday, June 29, 2006
The Regrettable Career of Rob Schnieder
So, I've meant to do one of these posts for several different people for awhile. My idea is to analyze some sagging celebrity careers in a hopes of pinpointing where it all went wrong, or, in some cases, why it was never right to begin with. I've wanted to write about a few people, but it's never seemed quite timely or topical.
My choosing to analyze Rob Schnieder's ailing career might be only topical to me, because as far as I know Deuce Bigelow: African Gigelo hasn't been made yet (THANK! GOD) and aside from Benchwarmers, he really hasn't been on the horizon for awhile. But somehow, within the last four days, I've seen 20 minutes of two utterly regrettable movies he made: Surf Ninjas and Judge Dredd. After doing so, I'm under the direct impression that my own circle of hell would be being forced to watch all of Rob Schnieder's movies in twenty minute snippets, over and over again, because, with the exception of his guest spot work in Adam Sandler's movies and some of his sketch characters on SNL, he has been in some exceptionally crappy stuff. I mean, there's a couple of things he gets a pass on, but on the whole? Yeah, not so much. When the highlights of your career happen to be various bit players and Adam Sandler stooges. It's time to rethink that career path is what I'm saying.
It's not to say that his acting is wholy terrible, sometimes it is, but sometimes, in some truly crapacious crap, he can be a bright spot. Take Surf Ninjas for example. O.k., I actually have to backtrack a little on this one. When I was in high school, one night I rented a bunch of bad movies and was granted permission at having a few wine coolers while watching said crappy movies by my parents, which I readily agreed to, because it was that or cruising the mean streets of snoozeville USA, again for the umpteen hundredth time of my adolescent career. So there I was, a smidge bit tipsy off Lemon-Lime Bartle and James (I think) watching Surf Ninjas. So my mind at the time, which was clouded not only with sugary wine coolers but also with just being a giggly sixteen year-old girl, which is like a double whammy, so not only did I think that Ernie Reyes Jr. was like the Hottest Martial Artist eva! but I also thought this movie was the funniest thing ever to hit the streets.
And then I saw the first twenty minutes on Sunday, and then suddenly, everything I thought I knew was wrong. This movie kind of really sucked. It sucked Awesomely! (Tone Loc, a cop? Leslie Nielson in metal? Heh. Brilliantly bad!) but overall it sucked. The writing was horrendous, with most of the lines not only being clunky, but on the whole just way over the top surfer-dude-ish to be good. This movie is proof positive why I'm glad Ernie Reyes Sr. has decided to run his chain of martial art studios here in the bay area and has not decided to pursue an acting career full time. Can you say wooden? Somewhere, up in the redwoods of of this fine state of mine, there's a big ole tree going "Yeah that'll do Mr. Reyes Sr. Sir. You're giving us a bad name." But somehow Robbie boy was a bright spot. No, I'm not sure how either. I mean "Moto-surf". Really? But the second he came out in a wheel chair, effecting the most horrible scottish accent, I couldn't help but laugh.
But Judge Dredd? Dear Lord God! There is just, there are no words for how craptacular that movie is. Anyone involved with that POS should have had their SAG cards revoked. And Mr. Schnieder Sir, if you are not only in one but two of Mr. Stallone's more horrid offerings, your card should not only have been revoked, but you should have been walked out of Hollywood, barred from ever coming back. But did that stop you? No! You kept coming back, with even more horrible offerings. The affore Mentioned Deuce Bigelow and Deuce Bigelow sequel, the former of which I have seen, the later which I have not, because I have learned from my mistakes. You apparantly have not, because: The Animal. Also, The Hot Chick.
And sadly, I wish I could say that it's just his career that's becoming regrettable, but somehow it seems to have passed onto his wardrobe lately as well. I mean, have you seen him? I mean, is he trying to become the wee version of Lorenzo Lamas? What is the deal with the suede vest anyway.
So, in conclusion, Robbie boy's career is quite regrettable, but thankfully his body of work is quite avoidable. That is, until the next time Fighting Nun decides to turn the channel to something else he's in that makes me wanna rip my hair out...