Sunday, February 12, 2006

Olympics Opening Ceremonies

O.k., so I know I said I’d dotingly recap the Olympics. I was hoping to go day by day, but with this whole house buying thing and what with cleaning and packing, things aren’t going as I had planned. But I have for you the Opening Ceremony, lovingly recapped.

Here goes…

8:00: We open with the lovely “Look at the landscape, look at the architecture. The backdrop for the Olympics is Sooooo beautiful montage.” Like we weren’t expecting that…
8:01 The “Italy is beautiful” montage quickly morphs into the Athlete Montage. Nice segue. And what is with the narrator trying to channel James Earl Jones and failing. Yo buddy, this isn’t CNN and You are not his father.
8:03 The “Italy is beautiful” montage morphs to Athlete Montage morphs to “U.S. Olympic Athletes Kick Ass” montage. Who would’ve seen that coming?
8:04 Figure Skating Montage! Sweet!
8:05 “A City of succulent style”. Did he just say that? What the hell did that mean?
8:06 The announcer tries to pronounce peninsula correctly and fails.
8:09 Bode Miller, blah blah blah. If he’s their big story for the whole Olympics, there might be a dull spork residing in one of my eye sockets by the end of this two weeks. Also, the Flying Tomato has to be the best nickname in the history of the games.
8:17 Downhill skiing practice. Why are we watching practice runs? Oh, so Fighting Nun and I can argue about the blue lines being course limitations or if they are merely suggestions, which apparently they are. And we’re also watching it so I can apparently have little heart palpitations and gasp every three seconds because every jump, every turn these guys look like they are going to biff it and there is going to be a yard sale on that very hill of skis, mitts and internal organs. I’m not sure I have the fortitude that watching this sport commands. Also, the announcers. “Stiffness in his hips” Hee! Am I recapping Olympics or porn you decide…
8:28 The announcers again. “Massive and strong” also a strong contender for Olympics or porn or romance novel. “Massive and Strong”. Jesus.
8:34 Fighting Nun pleads with me and the Tivo to fast forward past the first of probably 9500 Bode Miller interviews sure to take place during these games. I comply.
8:46 Shawn White, The Flying Tomato. This kid is a big dork. Therefore I’m totally rooting for him.
8:54 Can we hurry up with the ceremony? Jesus!
8:55 Costas, or as Fighting Nun likes to call him. Costass. First of all, what is with the hair? This starts off a fun little game Fighting Nun and I have come up with called “Toupee or Grecian Formula” which we’re going to play every time he comes on screen. It is real easy. Anytime costas comes on, pause your Tivo, stare at the marvel that is a cross between Hasselpouf and the feathery Lief Garret but with some bacon grease added on top for color and argue “Is he wearing a hair peace or is that some bad coloring?” Its going to be the mobius strip of these fair games people. Also, Shut up Costas. Just for good measure.
8:58 Team USA close up. Team Hats close up, to which Fighting Nun said “Who designed the hats? Some goth dude who was listening to too much Duran Duran while doing so? What the hell is that?”
8:59 Chris Witty is one manly woman. Wowza.
9:04 The Opening Ceremonies, finally! The opening ceremonies have provided me with a fun game I like to call “opening ceremonies or…” which I played quite vigorously. I’ll explain in a separate post. Stay tuned.
9:05 There are rollerblades and skateboards in the Opening Ceremonies. What the heck is this? Also, I knew that the director for the remake of Rollerball has been unemployed for quite some time now, but did they have to give him work as the costume designer of the opening ceremonies, because really. I haven’t seen this much pyrotechnics since the Green Day concert. The Opening Ceremonies are turning into some strange Rollerball meets Cirque Du Soliel meets Stomp hybrid.
9:07 A “Beating Heart” is displayed on stage. Thanks Costas, because that really looked like a red orgy on stage.
9:08 The red flaming dude. Hee! I said “red flaming” apparently he’s supposed to be the “sparks of passions” Again, am I recapping the Winter Olympics or a romance novel over here?
9:09 Alps Horns, Ricola dudes in liederhosen. Skating Christmas trees. Skating Cowprint. I have no idea if I’m still recapping the opening ceremonies or if I have somehow taken a hit of acid, because surreal.
9:10 Fighting Nun “We are doing the magical dance of the heffer.” Thene there are these moving cow statues. And yet even more liederhosen. I’m overcome with tears of laughter and joy. If the compulsory dance section features these awesome cow print outfits, I’d watch ad nauseum.
9:15 Some Georgio Armani outfits are featured which leads Fighting Nun and I to have an interesting discussion about whether or not we’ve accidently started watching Logan’s Run.
9:26 What’s with the ski dudes on stage? Its like Picasso performance art. You have to tilt your head to look at it and even then you don’t know what it is. Those crazy Italians.
9:28 Can I just say that a bunch of people all wearing climbing headlamps makes me feel less geeky.
9:34 More Cirque Du Soliel. Fighting Nun and I are seeing them on Friday. I’m skipping this part.
9:36 Let the pageantry of Nations begin. Only Five Albanians? That’s sad. Andorra. Poor Andorra.
9:38 Fighting Nun “God Forbid we miss a country. Jesus.”
9:39 Argentina. “At least they’ve got beanies. Armenia had dunce caps.” Fighting Nun and I then discuss all the team hats presented from this point on, until Fighting Nun falls asleep thirty minutes later, leaving me to point out hats on my own. Also, the dress. The dress they’ve forced the poor girls who hold up the signs with the names of the countries? Is the ugliest dress in all of creation. And I should know. I read GFY on a daily basis. It has mountains on it people. That’s just not a fashion statement anyone should make, least of all the Olympic costuming people. Not right!
9:43 Azerbaigan? What? They didn’t get hats. Poor guys. We should’ve taken up a collection. Bermuda. One guy. You know they’ve known to wear Bermuda shorts in the past. But they didn’t this time. Disappointing…
9:47 Brazil. Interesting Hats. Bullgaria has fuzzy hats. Canada has fuzzier hats with little ear flaps. I like Canada
9:52 The Blossom hat has made its rousing return with the Chinese. I do not know why.
9:54 I like Costa Rica’s Beanies. Denmak has the strangest looking earmuffs. Also, Go Ethiopia.
10:02 Germany rendered me blind with their green. Also, “Speeding White Sausage”. That just over took Flying Tomato as the best nick name. Also a contender for “Am I recapping the Olympics or Porn.”
10:07 Me and the Olympics Music Committee need to have a talk. “Funky Town” You have got to be kidding me.
10:09 Grandma Luge, I salute you!
10:10 Israel. OMG the announcers did not just mention Munich. You have got to be kidding me.
10:12 Kyrgyztan! Best named country ever! Also, awesome hats.
10:14 Luxembourg has a team? Who Knew?
10:18 “Sweet Dreams”? Jesus!
10:19 Mongolia officially has my vote for awesomest Olympic hat ever! Fuzzy and furry and long. Also “Video Killed The Radio Star” The music selections. I don’t understand it.
10:20 Men’s Cross Country Relay Skiing. That’s actually a sport?
10:21 New Zealand, you tried admirably to get my vote for best hat, but Mongolia surpassed you. I am sorry. Signed. The Bloody Munchkin.
10:30 Slovenia – The Green color is scaring me. Also “YMCA” I have officially thrown my hands up in the air in disgust.
10:31 USA! USA! Chris Witty! See Above. USA! USA! Shut Mrs. Bush! O.k. that was a little counter-patriotic. Also, bad hats. See Above. Flying Tomato! Lindsay Jocobellis has poodle hair. Shut Up on Bode! Yeeach already.
10:39 Tajikistan. Awesome. “Jump” by Van Halen. Not awesome.
10:45 Italy. What is with the Jetsony overcoats? I haven’t seen that much gold metallic clothing since I cleaned out my grandmother’s closet.
10:51 Go Flame Go!
10:53 Flag Twirling. Blech. Thank you Tivo Fast forward.
10:55 The Olympics are proving once again that they are ripping from Cirque Du Soliel
10:56 These Moon Things are scary and very Baren von Munchhousen.
11:02 The Ferrari is actually pretty cool. What can I say?
11:15 The Olympic Flag. “The Women Of distinction.” That is just plain awesome really. And Susan Surandon is just incredible.
11:20 Apparently, we went from women of distinction to men of indistinction. But the knock-off robin hood hats? Kind of awesome.
11:27 Another Cirque du Olympics piece kicks off that I can only call “Brokeback Acrobatics” This is promptly where I shut off the TV and drag Fighting Nun’s sleeping carcass off the couch and to bed. The only thing you need to know about the last 30 minutes is Yoko Ono needs to cram it, Luciano Pavaratti needs to lay off the Grecian Formula and the Fireworks need to end. Amen.

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