Black Snake Moan

So the other day I'm skimming over last month's issue of Spin in which they review Black Snake Moan, which based on the movie poster alone, I really want to see. So the movie critic gives it one star. A little discouraging sure but I wanted to find out why the movie got such a low rating. In the review, he describes a rather racy scene in which Christina Ricci gets it on with "a large black drug dealer, who plows her hard." My reaction to that statement was, 'I'm sure Fighting Nun would give the movie at least four stars.' And then "[Samuel L. Jackson's character] locks her to his radiator, and the camera licks its lips at the sight of a half-naked woman in chains." And then my reaction became "I'm amazed Fighting Nun hasn't run out and bought tickets right now."

The other night was the first night we got to see the trailer. Fighting Nun's eyes became as big as saucers, and, if I'm not mistaken, I heard some heavy panting going on. Apparently we're going out on opening day. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, get thee to the nearest movie theatre. I have no choice in this matter.

Fighting Nun seems to have a cinematic obsession with Christina Ricci, which as far as cinematic obsessions go, not a bad one. I've had far worse. This means that not only did I have to sit through Prozac Nation for the sole fact that Ricci showed her breasts, but most recently I had to sit through The Gathering, which not really on my top ten of Ricci movies, I have to say. Don't get me wrong. I like Ricci alot, both as an actress and as a celebrity. She's chosen some interesting indie roles followed by some interestingly bankable mainstream movies. In other words, a Ricci movie is usually worth it just for the Ricci.

But this movie actually looks like it has things to recommend it, other than Ricci for Ricci's sake. Although Samuel L. Jackson's movies can be hit or miss (We shall not speak of the motherf***ing snakes on the motherf***ing plane), he is almost always good in them. He shows up and does the work and makes it enjoyable. And as far as I'm concerned, the rest of his career could involve one steaming pile after the other and he'd still get a pass from me just because of "Look at the big brain on Brad." He's good people is what I'm saying. I haven't scene Hustle and Flow, so I can't speak to whether or not this director is any good, but damned if I won't give this one a try. I mean, did you look at the movie poster? Really look at it? Sweet Jesus. If it wasn't enough for me, it definitely was enough for Fighting Nun. See at the movies on Friday, apparently. (Psst. Fighting Nun, I put of the poster just for you. Thought you'd enjoy it. Try not to salivate on your keyboard too much. You're welcome. Love, The Bloody Munchkin.)

Logan's Run

So, a couple of months back I get into an arguement with a guy at work regarding Logan's Run regarding whether or not Farah Fawcitt was in the movie. I argued that she wasn't. He argued that she was. He was right, unfortunately. But here's the thing. I had only ever scene that movie from the last forty-five minutes or so on before this weekend. I had seen bits and pieces at the beginning sure, but I had never seen the whole thing from the beginning in one sitting and therefore I did not know that Farah Fawcitt had a small role in the movie. But I might argue that the last forty-five minutes or so is all you need anyway. From the time they get to the surface where the tin man on rollers intercepts them to the time they start exploring nature (where Jenny Agutter gives us the best line delivery of the whole movie by the way... "I hate Outside!" Love. Awesome.), and then the viewer realizes they were in a post apocalyptic world, to the meeting of the old guy, to the fight scene to the ending.

The first hour or so that I finally got to watch? Not good. I realize that is was the wild and crazy seventies and things like fast plot development and non-stagey dialogue hadn't technically been invented, but Jesus. Things that took 4 minutes for them to get to could've taken two. And was there an actual point to that bit in Cathedral? That Logan was turning against his Sandman roots? Yeah, got that. Thanks. I'll pass. Oh, and the one thing I did not, DID NOT need was to see Micheal York in a kimono. Any way you slice it, dice it, julianne it, it ain't pretty and I don't want it. Especially with lines like "You're beautiful. Let's have sex." Blech. Bleee-ech. Shudder. Just No! And then, when the movie jumps to the scene where they are swimming in the lake together and you can see blurry, pasty York buttocks, it makes the Kimono York even worse. It's wrong people. Sad and wrong.

And now that I've seen the Fawcitt, I have to say: The Fawcitt wasn't necessary. Look, her and all that feathery hair was just stagey and it didn't serve a real purpose. Stop blathering and get on with it for crying out loud!!!

I mean I get what it was trying to do, and I appreciate it on many levels. It's decent, even if it hasn't stood the test of time and the message it brings to the table it still very time appropriate, but there's certain parts I could leave. Especially the York Kimono. Shudder.

Sneakers

So I'm not sure if I mentioned this but for Valentines day, amongst the many wonderful odds and ends Fighting Nun gave me, he managed to procur Sneakers on DVD (with the Willow Special Edition on DVD. Eeeeeeeee!!!! Needless to say, Fighting Nun scored major points for this). I absolutely love this movie. Love. I love this movie so much, I can even put up with The Busfield. That's how much I love this movie. But during my first viewing in about half a decade, I came upon a revelation. Actually, I came upon several revelations, including but not limited to:

• Effing Donal Logue is a professor specializing in code breaking? Really? I mean really??? Donal Logue? The same guy who played a douche in Blade was a professor? I have no idea how to compute this information.
  


• That is absolutely the wrong mustache for The Busfield to be sporting.
  


• On the subject of bad tonsorial and facial trends, Ben Kingsley should never EVER EVER sport a ponytail like that EVER again.
  


• The number of places they show and or name drop in the bay area is astronomical. Placing bridges by how they sound? The building that Playtronics was housed in being right off the 84, excuse me, 84 (because god forbid I make the NorCal, SoCal gaff again)? Because I didn't live in the bay area back then, I didn't get all that back then, but man do I appreciate it now. Love.
  


• River Phoenix was such a hottie (O.k. That's not a revelation. That I knew. But come on. The hair that goes up to the moon when he took off the baseball cap? The "Hey, that's not easy what I just did!". The dancing. Swoon. Sniff.)

But the big revelation? The biggest revelation of them all? Why hasn't somebody greenlit a project in which Sidney Poitier, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman have starring roles together? I'm serious. I mean that would be THE trifecta of powerhouse actors. I'm watching that scene where Sidney Poitier goes through a list of places he wants to go on vacation with his wife and the word "Tahiti" gets stuck in Sidney's teeth and he just chews on it and James Earl Jones just watches him chew with varying levels of irritation and Robert Redford's just standing there with a shit-eating grin on his face and I thought to myself: "Self, the only way this scene could've possibly been any better was if Morgan Freeman was somehow involved." And that's how I stumbled upon the epiphany that the most awesomest thing ever would be if the three of them were in a movie together. I don't care what it is, it could be a movie about a city dump, something involving gout, a movie involving angry spiders or snails. I don't effing care what the hell it is but somebody better make me a movie involving Sidney Poitier, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman now. Right now! Hurry before James Earl Jones dies or Morgan Freeman voices March of the Penguins 2: Electric Boogaloo and Sidney Poitier mistakeningly signs on for "Look who's coming to Dinner Now". Somebody get it done! I don't care what the effects of having three scenery chewers of their caliber sharing the screen together might have. It could rend the very fabric of space and time. I realize that. But it would be... Awesome!!!!!! Awesome I tell you. Hey, some movie exec somewhere, are you listening to me?!?!?! I've just come up with a project that is all but fail proof for getting an a little Gold Man! I demand, somebody better pony up and supply. Fail-proof I tell you!!! Fail! Proof!!!

Beauty and the Geek

So, the Beauty and the Geek Finale. What to say? Blah Blah Blah, Megan and Scooter won, Blah Blah Blah Cecelia was her normal assy self which is why she and Nate didn't win, blah blah blah Nate took the selfless route blah. Somebody get me to the damned reunion show post haste!!! The sole thought preoccuping my brain in regards to this show is: Are Jenny Lee and Nate still together??? Enquiring minds want to know. I demand, somebody supply!!! I must know eet.

Yes, I should know better than to get worked up about crappy TV. But, Hellllo, have you met me? It's what I do. I love Beauty and the Geek. I have watched it for three years running, much to Fighting Nun's shagrin. But I'm sorry I just love it, which is odd because I usually despise most things Ashton Kutcher has ever had a hand in, and yet here I am, week after week, glued to the tv from one embarrassing challenge to the next. And after every episode Fighting Nun rolls his eyes and asks "Why are we watching this again?" and about 70 percent of the time I don't have a good answer, and then Nate escapes the house, cutting himself on a palm tree, to give Jenny Lee a goodbye kiss and hug, and then I totally know why I'm watching this show. The squee. That's why.

I mean Jenny Lee and Nate. So cute. So effing cute it's ridiculous. Somebody get me to the reunion show so I can see if the two of them are still together kind of cute. I'm a sucker for that, and Beauty and the Geek seems to reel me in year after year just on the premise that some 'beauty' ends up 'shipping with one of the 'geeks'. I don't have a good reason for why this is such a draw for me but it is.

Actually, I take that back. I totally do have a good reason. I call it the Brian Krakow principle. I never got what Angela saw in Jordan Catelano. O.k., that's a lie. I mean back in the day Jared Leto was smoking. I totally got that (but now? In his Thirty Seconds to Mars phase? His 'I'm too emo for emo. Look at me with my eyeliner and black nail polish, look at me, look at me' phase? His 'I'm so goth that I date Lindsay Lohan' phase? yeah, not so much.). I know what she saw, but even back then in my teens, I knew guys like Jordan weren't for keeps, weren't for real. But guys like Brian Krakow were, that what they had to offer was more real than whatever Jordan was offering. It saddened me that Angela couldn't see that. I mean, Jordan wouldn't acknowledge that he was dating Angela for a chunk of the season, would make out with her in the boiler room but would totally blow her off in public and, AND, he slept with her best friend and SHE still took him back? Jesus. I mean seriously. (That's a lot of pent up emotion regarding a show that got cancelled during the Clinton administration, isn't it?) But Brian Krakow, with his sweetness, and his book smarts and his hiding in corners of Angela's periphery were just so appealing to me. Why couldn't she see that ? Right. In. Front. Of. Her. (Somebody get me the My So-Called Life DVDs stat!!! I'd ask Fighting Nun but he already got me Willow for Valentine's day so his obligations to my pop culture needs are moot.) So anyhoo. My money and my admirations were on Krakow.

Which is why I like Beauty and the Geek, because guys at various stages of Krakowian Development (consequently, Krakowian Development is my new band name) have a shot at finding themselves, and maybe finding a girl who gets and likes the inner Krakow. And that's why I especially loved this season's pairing of Jenny Lee and Nate, because A) not who I thought would pair up together and B) the utter sweetness and sincerity, especially on Nate's part. He's was gentlemanly, but totally sincere and cute the whole time. The Squee!!! It abounds people. It abounds.

So I don't think I can survive another week without knowing the fate of their relationship. Reunion! Show! Now! Damn it.

The Prison Break Gospel

And on the 16 Episode of the second season God looked upon the Prison Break faithful and said "Let there be a Sweet Dr. Sara and Micheal Make out session" and there was much rejoicing amongst the Dr. Sara-Micheal-shipper faithful ("Yeah!" or more aptly "Squeeeee!") and then God said "Let Dr. Sara choke a bitch." and that bitch was Kellerman and it was awesome. And then Haywire jumped and died it became less awesome, and yet, because of all the awesomeness that existed in the rest of the episode, the people still rejoiced. So sayeth the Psalm. Amen.

Life's Little Mysteries

So I pondered something this morning, something that I think has far-reaching implications if we stop and think about it; How in the hell does Terry Bradshaw have an endorsement deal with Superclips? I realized the paradox in this earlier this morning and am utterly stumped. I mean, isn't having him endorse your hair cutting service like getting a hairless chihauhau to be the mascot of a dog grooming service? It just seems so wrong. Wrong and sad. Am I the only one who ponders things like this and is utterly mystified???

Religion, Politics and Tarantino

You know that old addage that goes 'Never talk about sex, religion, and politics in front of polite company' or something like that? Well Fighting Nun and I aren't polite company. Especially in Fighting Nun's case. I mean I think if he could he'd talk about sex in any given situation. This is the man who recited the words "Tell your mom to tell your dad 'Way to lay some pipe!'" while I was on the phone with my mother. Yeah, so sex is a topic easily broached. The topic not easily broached with us is apparantly Tarantino movies. I wasn't aware of this being a spotty subject until we ended up having an arguement that started with Micheal Madsen ("The Kill Bill movies only counts as one so therefore Micheal Madsen has only been in two Tarentino directed movies." "The Kill Bill movies count as separate movies!! There are two of them!!", "Yes, but he wrote Kill Bill as one movie, so they count as one." "Two. Movies. Jesus."), really ramped up with Steve Buscemi ("He was so in Pulp Fiction! Buddy Holly!! Hello!!"), got going further with a long winded arguement about Tim Roth's hair color (don't ask, I don't know either) and ended in a tirade involving Four Rooms. So yeah, apparantly Tarentino movies are on the hot list of topics we shouldn't talk about in front of polite company, least the conversation degrades into the very scene in Reservoir Dogs where Micheal Madsen takes off the cop's ear that sparked the debate between Fighting Nun and I in the first place.

It's not that Tarantino films are a totally taboo topic. In fact, Tarentino movies are in and of themselves an unending plethora of juicy quotes and tasty little discussions that are fun for the whole family; Whether or not from Dusk 'til Dawn was worse than Desperado as far as movies he starred in go ( I actually have no context for that arguement because I've never seen from Dusk 'til Dawn all the way through, but I paid good money to see Desperado in the theatres, so I feel I have a leg to stand on in this discussion.), whether Bruce Willis or John Travolta had the cooler role in Pulp Fiction (Trick question, the answer is obviously Samuel L. Jackson. The guy quoted scripture before he popped a cap in your ass And he had the wallet that said Badass Mother.... No contest. No. Contest!), whether or not Uma is his muse or his source for unleashing his masochistic tendancies (That's a tricky question, it's toss up really.). So it's not as if the subject is totally off limits, but there must be boundries for having said discussions. So I've decided to compile this handie-dandie guide for discussing or arguing all things Tarantino.

1. Don't talk about Tarantino's love life if you've been drinking. Especially don't talk about Shar Jackson in terms of Tarantino's love life if you've been drinking in a crowded resturant. (It's a loooooong story.)

2. Try not to get too indignant about the fact that Tarantino directed that episode of CSI. Yes, by all rights you've heard the episode in turns both sucked and blew, but that's no reason to get all high and mighty. Just state that maybe him directing an episode of a show that jumped the shark some time before that wasn't exactly the best career decision, but hey, neither Desperado, and leave it at that.

3. Know that quoting Pulp Fiction in front of friends has its limits. Try to keep yourself to a two or three line maximum. I know this can be tough because there are so many very handy quotes to use. I have an affinity for 'Look at the Big Brain on Brad' when the occasion calls for it. Fighting Nun tends to use the 'I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is.' as often as possible. These are good lines. And there are several lines just like it scattered throughout his movies that are all worthy of requoting, in some instances ad nauseum. But they have their time and place and their use should be kept at a minimum.

4. Don't try to explain Pulp Fiction to your parents. They don't get it. They didn't get it the first time, they won't get it the next time you try to explain its genius, or they other forty million times you'll try. It's part of the age gap, so just let it go. I know its hard, but try.

5. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to discuss your 'every other' hypothesis regarding the movies Tarantino directed, which, to wit, goes something like this (Ahem); with the exception of Reservoir dogs and Pulp Fiction, every other movie that Tarantino directs is slow and kind of boring. I mean, look at his directorial C.V. If you subtract the E.R. episode and his Four Rooms directing (which he didn't direct the whole movie, so that doesn't count.) So from Pulp Fiction, you go directly into Jackie Brown, which was good, but it kind of dragged. It was probably 20 minutes longer than it needed to be. Then his next directorial feature was Kill Bill 1, which effing rocked and was fantastic, and then his next release after that was Kill Bill 2 which, also good, but also dragged. I've found the easiest way to watch that one is in twenty minute bursts, because if I sit straight through, right from Micheal Madsen's scenes in the strip club all the way through the training sequences, I get all antsy. So, that's the hypothesis; that every other Tarantino Directorial feature is going to be a little bit draggy. Yeah see? Really boring topic isn't it? I lulled you into a Tarantino comma didn't I? So don't attempt that topic.

6. On the subject of Tarantino soundtracks, don't argue that you think he's not as big a music genius as he thinks he is. It's moot. I mean duh. Nancy Sinatra only gets a guy so far, as do the 5, 6, 7, 8's, end of story. No. End of story. I'm serious. End. Of. Story.

7. Yes, we all know and can preach to the amazingness of Samuel's Afro. We don't need a lecture, thanks.

8. Do not tell anyone that your new life long goal is to have a P*ssy Wagon. Nobody wants hear it. Especially if that isn't actually your life long goal. The sarcasm has soured. Sorry. And especially, especially is it actually is your life long goal. Because, blech.

9. Don't explain that you want a Hatori Hanso sword. Everybody wants a Hatori Hanso sword.

10. Try not to go into a long winded pro-con discussion of why there should or shouldn't be a revenge opus to the Kill Bill movies, because that list could go on forever, on either side. And it usually degrades into something like this. "Beating. A. Dead. Horse." "But, awesome!" "Beating. A. Dead. Horse." "But, awesome!" And nobody needs that.

11. Avoid the topic of Tim Roth's hair at all costs. This is a tricky one. I mean who knew really?

12. Try not to think too hard on the fact that there are sequels to From Dusk 'Til Dawn and what that might mean to society as we know it.