Friday, February 02, 2007

Religion, Politics and Tarantino

You know that old addage that goes 'Never talk about sex, religion, and politics in front of polite company' or something like that? Well Fighting Nun and I aren't polite company. Especially in Fighting Nun's case. I mean I think if he could he'd talk about sex in any given situation. This is the man who recited the words "Tell your mom to tell your dad 'Way to lay some pipe!'" while I was on the phone with my mother. Yeah, so sex is a topic easily broached. The topic not easily broached with us is apparantly Tarantino movies. I wasn't aware of this being a spotty subject until we ended up having an arguement that started with Micheal Madsen ("The Kill Bill movies only counts as one so therefore Micheal Madsen has only been in two Tarentino directed movies." "The Kill Bill movies count as separate movies!! There are two of them!!", "Yes, but he wrote Kill Bill as one movie, so they count as one." "Two. Movies. Jesus."), really ramped up with Steve Buscemi ("He was so in Pulp Fiction! Buddy Holly!! Hello!!"), got going further with a long winded arguement about Tim Roth's hair color (don't ask, I don't know either) and ended in a tirade involving Four Rooms. So yeah, apparantly Tarentino movies are on the hot list of topics we shouldn't talk about in front of polite company, least the conversation degrades into the very scene in Reservoir Dogs where Micheal Madsen takes off the cop's ear that sparked the debate between Fighting Nun and I in the first place.

It's not that Tarantino films are a totally taboo topic. In fact, Tarentino movies are in and of themselves an unending plethora of juicy quotes and tasty little discussions that are fun for the whole family; Whether or not from Dusk 'til Dawn was worse than Desperado as far as movies he starred in go ( I actually have no context for that arguement because I've never seen from Dusk 'til Dawn all the way through, but I paid good money to see Desperado in the theatres, so I feel I have a leg to stand on in this discussion.), whether Bruce Willis or John Travolta had the cooler role in Pulp Fiction (Trick question, the answer is obviously Samuel L. Jackson. The guy quoted scripture before he popped a cap in your ass And he had the wallet that said Badass Mother.... No contest. No. Contest!), whether or not Uma is his muse or his source for unleashing his masochistic tendancies (That's a tricky question, it's toss up really.). So it's not as if the subject is totally off limits, but there must be boundries for having said discussions. So I've decided to compile this handie-dandie guide for discussing or arguing all things Tarantino.

1. Don't talk about Tarantino's love life if you've been drinking. Especially don't talk about Shar Jackson in terms of Tarantino's love life if you've been drinking in a crowded resturant. (It's a loooooong story.)

2. Try not to get too indignant about the fact that Tarantino directed that episode of CSI. Yes, by all rights you've heard the episode in turns both sucked and blew, but that's no reason to get all high and mighty. Just state that maybe him directing an episode of a show that jumped the shark some time before that wasn't exactly the best career decision, but hey, neither Desperado, and leave it at that.

3. Know that quoting Pulp Fiction in front of friends has its limits. Try to keep yourself to a two or three line maximum. I know this can be tough because there are so many very handy quotes to use. I have an affinity for 'Look at the Big Brain on Brad' when the occasion calls for it. Fighting Nun tends to use the 'I don't need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is.' as often as possible. These are good lines. And there are several lines just like it scattered throughout his movies that are all worthy of requoting, in some instances ad nauseum. But they have their time and place and their use should be kept at a minimum.

4. Don't try to explain Pulp Fiction to your parents. They don't get it. They didn't get it the first time, they won't get it the next time you try to explain its genius, or they other forty million times you'll try. It's part of the age gap, so just let it go. I know its hard, but try.

5. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to discuss your 'every other' hypothesis regarding the movies Tarantino directed, which, to wit, goes something like this (Ahem); with the exception of Reservoir dogs and Pulp Fiction, every other movie that Tarantino directs is slow and kind of boring. I mean, look at his directorial C.V. If you subtract the E.R. episode and his Four Rooms directing (which he didn't direct the whole movie, so that doesn't count.) So from Pulp Fiction, you go directly into Jackie Brown, which was good, but it kind of dragged. It was probably 20 minutes longer than it needed to be. Then his next directorial feature was Kill Bill 1, which effing rocked and was fantastic, and then his next release after that was Kill Bill 2 which, also good, but also dragged. I've found the easiest way to watch that one is in twenty minute bursts, because if I sit straight through, right from Micheal Madsen's scenes in the strip club all the way through the training sequences, I get all antsy. So, that's the hypothesis; that every other Tarantino Directorial feature is going to be a little bit draggy. Yeah see? Really boring topic isn't it? I lulled you into a Tarantino comma didn't I? So don't attempt that topic.

6. On the subject of Tarantino soundtracks, don't argue that you think he's not as big a music genius as he thinks he is. It's moot. I mean duh. Nancy Sinatra only gets a guy so far, as do the 5, 6, 7, 8's, end of story. No. End of story. I'm serious. End. Of. Story.

7. Yes, we all know and can preach to the amazingness of Samuel's Afro. We don't need a lecture, thanks.

8. Do not tell anyone that your new life long goal is to have a P*ssy Wagon. Nobody wants hear it. Especially if that isn't actually your life long goal. The sarcasm has soured. Sorry. And especially, especially is it actually is your life long goal. Because, blech.

9. Don't explain that you want a Hatori Hanso sword. Everybody wants a Hatori Hanso sword.

10. Try not to go into a long winded pro-con discussion of why there should or shouldn't be a revenge opus to the Kill Bill movies, because that list could go on forever, on either side. And it usually degrades into something like this. "Beating. A. Dead. Horse." "But, awesome!" "Beating. A. Dead. Horse." "But, awesome!" And nobody needs that.

11. Avoid the topic of Tim Roth's hair at all costs. This is a tricky one. I mean who knew really?

12. Try not to think too hard on the fact that there are sequels to From Dusk 'Til Dawn and what that might mean to society as we know it.


Reel Fanatic said...

This was easily the funniest I've read in a long while, but I have to say, my favorite Tarantino movie is still Jackie Brown .. wanna fight about it? Just kidding, of course

The Bloody Munchkin said...

I liked Jackie Brown, don't get me wrong, but you have to admit it was a wee bit long. Not admitting it? Fine. The gloves are coming O-F-F (Just kidding).