Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Various letters to people, places and things before, during, and after the Morningwood/The Sounds Concert

Dear the couple sitting next to us at the Thai food restaurant we went to before the show,

I'm sorry for any inappropriate comments I made during the meal. I blame the wine.

Mea Culpa,
The Bloody Munchkin

Dear awesome bartender at Sushi Groove,

Your Sake Cosmopolitans were awesome. I did not know there was such a thing as a sake cosmo. Now I know. I also know that I can not sip a sake cosmo and that I can put two down in relatively quick fashion. I now also know how to make one so that I can continue to put them down in relatively easy fashion in the comfort of my own home. I don't know whether to thank you or charge you for all my future hospital bills due to a failing liver, because Sake Cosmos Yummy.

Thanks for the tip,
The Bloody Munchkin

P.S. I didn't know that Mondays are the new Sundays for the binge-drinkers in denial. I now know that. I guess I should probably thank you for that information, I think.

Dear Sake Cosmopolitans,

Why do you have to be such harsh mistresses? You were tasty and easy to drink but apparantly hated that I decided to have two Full Sail Ales at the concert so you consorted with the beer and the wine to create a low grade hangover that's still flagging me down. You're so mean!

Bite My Ass,
The Bloody Munchkin

Dear the guy with the "I Fucking Hate Fall Out Boy" t-shirt working the merch booth,

Cool t-shirt dude.

The Bloody Munchkin

Dear the guy in the "I'm not fat, I'm American" t-shirt;

You also have an awesome t-shirt.

The Bloody Munchkin

P.S. Uhm dude, not to harsh the compliment or anything, but never ever wear flip-flops at a concert where you are relatively sure that there will be pushing and moshing and general rough-housing. Close toed shoes for concerts, you rank ametuer. Remember that tip, your toes will thank me later.

Dear Action Action;

I told you, the lead singer, as I was leaving that you played a great set, and I meant it. Fighting Nun and I might pick up one of your albums the next time we go to Rasputin.

The Bloody Munchkin

P.S. I'm only saying this cause I care, but collectively, as a band you guys should pick better hairstyles for yourself. The shaved-side-faux-mullet your bassist was sporting was scary. And the Faux-Hawk your other guitarist was sporting somehow turned into a bad Flock of Seagullsish 'do and it was doing him no favors whatsoever. I'm just telling you because I care.

To The Lead Singer of Morningwood;

I think I love you. You are sassy and working it and you wore a leather gun holster for your microphone, which awesome, and you carried a wooden pony onstage which you proceeded to stick down your pants and then made out with. You have so much moxy that you sold it. And you also made it damn fun. Although I am disappointed you didn't play Babysitter, you were totally forgiven when you stripped the guy you dragged onstage to his undies. I really think I love you.

Be My Valentine,
The Bloody Munchkin

P.S. Sorry I grabbed your ass when you walking through the audience. I blame the Sake Cosmos. And the wine. And the Beer.

To the Drummer in Morningwood;

You are sporting the most awesome fro I have ever seen in my life. You deserve praise.

Keep up the Hair,
The Bloody Munchkin

To the Bassist from Morningwood;

Gunner Nelson called, he wants his hair circa 1989 back.

Are you the lost Nelson Brother?
The Bloody Munchkin

To the girl whose stilleto got stuck in my laces;

Thanks for the bruise and the dent on my foot. Also, when I tell you lift your foot up, don't give me bitchface, just do it. YOUR STILLETO HEEL IS MAKING A CRATER ON THE TOP OF MY FOOT. Lift your leg, Untangle what I'm assuming are ugly-ass heels from the laces of my pumas, do it fast, before we're pushed some more and stay tangled and fall or I decide to push your tiny bitch-face ass out of the way and off my foot!

Thanks for the Stilleto Indentation, NOT,
The Bloody Munchkin

To the guy in the wheel chair who pushed his way up to the front for The Sounds;

You've got moxey dude. I hope your o.k. It was pretty violent up there. Call me. Fighting Nun and I wanna make sure you survived.

Mad Props,
The Bloody Munchkin

To the lead singer of The Sounds;

Just a few quick notes to you. First of all, Formal Shorts? Are a) totally not a good look for you b) an atrocity to fashion, and c) look really bad in black. Were you sporting Cameltoe or was it just me? Read Go Fug Yourself, get a clue as to what to wear that won't make you look like Fergie or a rejected Project Runway model. Also, try as you might, you are not the Blonde Parker Posey. Snear all you want, but you just aren't. Also, that strange tattoo on your forearm of a girl or something looks totally smurfy. I'm just saying.

Formal Shorts are out,
The Bloody Munchkin

P.S. You sounded good for the fifteen minutes that we listened to you though. Whatevs.

To my feet, head and bruised body;

I'm sorry for all the trauma I put you through. I realize I'm going to have to deal with mystery bruises for a good two weeks after this, and I apologize.

The Bloody Munchkin

3 comments:

FightingNun said...

I have some to add:

To the Sake:
Your easy to drink like your smooth sister the sake cosmo, but unlike your sister you deliver one hell off a punch. After drinking a couple you realize that you obtained supper hero quailites because you can see two of everthing.

To the strung out jackess:
Sorry I cold clocked you even though you elbowed me right in the back. Although you showed no signs that a straight hit to the jaw phased you, I'm sure when you were coming down you said damn "why does my jaw feel broken". Sorry dude, but honsetly you elbow me again and I'm going all pulp fiction on your ass.

The Bloody Munchkin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Bloody Munchkin said...

Are we talking "quoting scripture then popping a cap in his has" Pulp Fiction or "Wake the Gimp" Pulp Fiction or "sticking a needle through her heart" Pulp Fiction? You've got to be specific as to the type of Pulp Fiction punishment you want to mete out on the stoner...