I remember the phone call as I played in the den, the serious face and the concerned voice. I remember the look on your face as you hung up the phone. I remember balking at the words you said as soon as they came out of your mouth. I remember my own tears. I remember you rushing to my side and scooping me up, letting me cry until I could cry no more. I remember some version of this happening over and over again.
Who did you run to when the deluge hit and you were overcome by grief that you didn’t show? Where did you turn when mom was at their funerals all those hundreds of miles away? What did you do when you put me to bed heartsick at losing each one of them?
They were not of your blood, but that didn’t seem to matter. They were your brothers just as much as they were her brothers. Mom jetted off to be with her family through every death. And you were with me while I navigated the sadness and loss that my youth made me ill-prepared to handle. But who was there for you?
I've always thought about those times in terms of mom's heart break, my heart break, grandma's heart break. But your heart break was just as palpable, but you kept it at bay for me and mom.
I look back now and see how alone you were with your own grief and how you may not have taken the time to grieve at all. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and thank you.
This is my entry into the Trifecta Challenge this week and it's inspired by this blog post I wrote about my dad forever and a day ago. I still wonder how he got through those challenging times as well as he did. i have more to say about this, but I'm not sure I can without breaking down in tears.
a (1) : the fluid that circulates in the heart, arteries, capillaries, and veins of a vertebrate animal carrying nourishment and oxygen to and bringing away waste products from all parts of the body (2) : a comparable fluid of an invertebrate
b : a fluid resembling blood
: the shedding of blood; also : the taking of life