Friday, April 21, 2006
Analyzing the last five Minutes of D2: The Mighty Ducks
So, I have a strange obsession with The first two Mighty Duck movies, more of a love-hate relationship really, being that most of the love is directed solely at Elden Hensen's character Fulton Reed because when I was a teenager, the adoration was full on. I'm talking Bloody Munchkin Hearts Fulton Reed in big red ink. Yes, I knew he was a fictional character, but that didn't matter to me. I needed me some long-haired strong-silent ruffian, and I needed him baaad. It was full-on scary ya'll. All that pent-up fifteen-year-old school-girl-crush energy that girls reserved for The New Kids on the Block, excuse me I mean NKOTB I diverted to Elden Hensen, well that in about a bajillion other tertiery characters in about a bajillion other movies (Can you say Seth Green's character in Airborne? Can you also say Breckin Meyer's character in Clueless?), but that's beside the point.
The Hate was soley directed at Emilio Estevez because: Shut Up! Shut Up Emilio's prickish behavior, holier than thou attitude, stupid ass smirk, and feather-ass-that-later-becomes-greasy-ass hair. Shut up the girlish love interests in both movies who are supposed to be the thing that grounds Gordon Bombay (Emilio's Character) who just come off whiny and why would a prick like Emilio end up with wet blankets like that? Because seriously. Does kind of explain Paula Abdul, but that's besides the point...
God, I can't believe how much energy I've wasted on explaining what a prick Gordon Bombay end up being. Here I am stating the obvious again, like that point hasn't already been broadcast in space.
But anyway, to get to the point. Somehow I've been catching D2 on cable alot lately. I haven't figured out why I have to watch it ever time it is on cable because that movie has lost alot of the allure it once had for me. There's so much cheese emitting from the screen I'd be able to make enough fondue to last a lifetime. Usually I skip the last five minutes, because booooring.
But this morning I caught the last five minutes, and I got to say, I'm really freaked out now. Like seriously freaked out.
So here's the thing, at the very end, when the credits start rolling, there's this wierd camp out the whole team does and they are sitting there around a camp fire, with Goldberg lighting his marshmellow on fire and Joshua Jackson looking all cute and "The Bash Brothers" hamming it up and the such. There's two things that have me freaked out about this scene, and its not the lot's butchering of "We Are The Champions" either. First of all, it's the longing stares Micheal Tucker's character Tibbles and Emilio have, which emit "Brokeback Hockey" for the two seconds its caught on screen, which, what is with that really? I mean, ew! Micheal Tucker being the Ennis to Emilio Estevez's Jack is not the mental picture I've ever wanted. But I have it now. And I can't un-have it either. Is that why they all went camping, so that their two characters could play tonsil hockey in a tent while chaperoning the other kids? I really think it is.
The other thing that has me freaked out beyond comparison is right before the screen goes to black, there's this wide shot of everyone around the campfire, and you see the bash brothers wrestling by the fire, which is a brokeback moment in and of itself, but then, on the far right of the screen, you see Emilio rocking back and forth in his seat next to the teacher/wet blanket all scary-like. I think he was supposed to be rocking out, but it comes off all unabomber, Charles-Manson-ish and I have absolutely no idea why. What was that all about? I really want to know. Did the director go "Em, we need you to rock out this last scene, but rock out with intensity." and this happened to be Emilio's answer? Did he some how do some drugs he swiped from his brother Charlie right before he started and just got really into the moment? If that last scene is really indicative of Emilio's normal behavior, well then I am beginning to see why he hasn't gotten alot of work in the last ten years and nobody has greenlighted Men at Work 2.
This is a very long-winded way of me saying that I finally understand why I've skipped this scene the five-thousand other times I've scene this movie, because I am seriously scarred for life now...