The Mustache Strikes Back

Remember when I remarked about how bad Fabritzio's mustache was? Remember how I also said how I was horrified that the 70's pornstache was making a comeback? Well, this topic came back up in discussion, and I'm still mystified by the fact that there are men out there who think they can pull off the nice thick mustache without coming off sleazy, creepy or not like Ron Jeremy. Because I'm here to tell you, trying to pull off that stache will not work. And I know why.

First of all, the guys trying pull off that stache are twenty-something wannabe hipsters who are trying to come of as ironic or retro or vintage or however they try and spin it as. First of all, if it's the ironic facial hair that you're going for, well that train has passed. The age of The New Sincerity is upon us. The Age or Irony is so 1996. So don't do it. And if you're trying to grow it because you think the perfectly groomed mustache will be a great accessory to go with your vintage "If this Trailer's a Rockin', don't bother Knockin'" t-shirt and Camaro belt buckle, well then you are an idiot. Look, the only think that accessorizes with that t-shirt is a grease fire (although the belt buckle is pretty rocking) and secondly, the porn-stache accessorizes with nothing but orange shag carpeting and the "wakka-wakka" music of impending bone-age.

My friend, the one who is considering a forray into this most unfortanate of trends argued that his stache could maybe be very Sam-Elliot-like. Let me explain something. There's only one person, well two people in this whole wide world that could pull of the Sam Elliot mustache and those two people are Sam Elliot and my dad. But see, Sam Elliot knew how to work that mustache, and he also accessorized it with awesome salt-and-pepper hair and a Harley a la "Mask". My dad pulled off that mustache, and continues to pull it off, because he's rocking the same salt-and-pepper look and also because my dad looks a lot like Sam Elliot, only with a bigger beer belly and a more pronounced bald spot.

And don't even bring up the Sellick. O.k., I respect the Sellick, and, fine I'll relent that he rocked the stache on Magnum P.I., but if you even think you can go Magnum, well then you are delusional and an idiot. Only Magnum can go Magnum and only Sam Elliot and my dad can go Sam Elliot.

My friend also argued that he thinks it would be cool to try for the handlebar. Why? No, really. Why? There's only been two people in recent TV history to sport the handlebar, one of which is pretty much portrayed as an idiot. An idiot with good intentions, but an idiot nonetheless. The other was a guy on a reality make-over show and he was forced at camera point to shave the unholy union of a banana slug and pubic hair off his lip. Why would you even want to try a handlebar? Because you think it might be fun to reenact old vauldvillian schtick or every silent movie involving a helpless damsel and railroad tracks? Because if that job's not already taken, it should be, by Rip Tayler. Because the crazy, and abnormal facial hair are both prerequisites for that job, and he's already got both qualities in spades. I mean, did you see the picture?

So please, for the love of all God's creatures, save us the inhumanity and don't don the stache. Please. For me?