Dear Mark;
Dude. Just Dude. It's come to this? Really??? Was life really so tough that you've had to become a makeshift Seacrest to a bunch of no talent hacks? Were the royaltiies off Fly just not enough to make ends meet? Is your monthly hair gel expense reaching limits so absurd that you've had to resort to this, the hosting of The Search for the Next Doll? Dude, you totally lost me.
Truth be told, you lost me somewhere around that Extra gig and maybe sometime during your guest judge appearance on American Idol. Which, just because you were on that show doesn't mean you get to be Ryan Seacrest's proxy. God knows one Ryan Seacrest is more than enough, and yet you had to go and recreate your career in his image? That's wrong.
Why must you desperately cleave to the last seconds of your 15 minutes by forcing yourself on the American public in the most obtrusive and random ways? Dude, Sugar Ray's second album was titled 14:59. It's like, back then you had a clue, that your popularity is fleeting, you're going to enjoy it while it lasts, which I appreciated. But now, it's like you don't get your own joke. You enjoyed the spotlight once. Stop stalking it now. It's considering a restraining order.
Just quit it. For at least a half a decade. No hosting gigs, no attempts at being Ryan Seacrest, no guest appearances. Just leave my TV for awhile. Not forever, just until you find something meaningful to do, or at least something that won't make me utter "Just. Give. It. Up." You seem like a pretty decent, centered dude, and I still like your band's first album, which makes the abomination of you showing up in random and totally undeserving places that much more bad and wrong.
Thanks;
The Bloody Munchkin
P.S. Ease up on the hair gel, just a little bit. You're headed into Hellraiser territory. Just thought you'd like to know.
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