No, I'm not going to the company picnic.

"I'll pass on the free burgers and bar-b-que this year, thanks.
Hey, why you giving me the stink-eye?"

Sorry, I'm just not. Look, it's not that big a deal. Really it's not. So please stop acting so offended. I didn't eat your baby. I didn't threaten to have you with a nice bottle of Chianti and some fava beans. I didn't punt kick your favorite toy poodle out into oncoming traffic. There's nothing to be that offended or shocked about. I'm just not going o.k. No, I don't have "an excuse." for not going, because you told me "going windsurfing" did not qualify as a suitable excuse and I don't really want to make one up.

I'm just not that interested o.k. I don't want to get beaned in the head with an oncoming softball, clueing everyone in on the fact that I can't catch at the company softball game. I really don't need to be part of the water balloon toss, in which I'd most likely get paired with the kid who got fresh with me at the company Christmas party and who would somehow "miss with his aim" so I'd end up soaked and he could ogle me some more (*shudder*). I don't need to play bingo with somebody from accounts recievable's degenerate cousin, mother, or some other relation trying to make polite conversation while staring at their teeth. And, just for the record, the last time I was at the company picnic, the free alcohol was in quanitities insufficient enough to meet my needs, so these things usually end up on the debit column for me anyway.

So, just save me the shtick alright. You know what shtick I'm talking about. That "Oh you're such a fuddy-duddy" shtick, giving me that look like I'm such a party pooper for wanting to waste my Sunday on something other than carousing with all my fellow employees. Look, there's only so many good windsurfing days in the season. I plan to use them all as wisely as possible. Oh now what? ... Yes I know I'm not suppose to use windsurfing as an excuse. At least it's the truth alright. What you want me to lie to you tell you that I've planned to use that weekend to feed starving orphans in Africa and build houses for Habitat for Humanity? Fine. I'll lie to you. I'm feeding starving orphans and building houses for Habitat for humanity, and if there's any time left over, I might fit in some time for the Peace Corps. Don't roll your eyes at me. I'm only telling you what you want to hear. Yes I realize that what you want to hear is "Yes, I'll be at the company picnic. Right on time. See You there." but it ain't gonna happen. Fine, be all pouty and call me a ba-humbug all you want. Now if you'll excuse, I'll be over in the corner, eating babies, stealing Christmas, and being the pox on humanity that you think I am. Good day sir. I said Good Day!