Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Further Adventures in the Bathroom Stall

Yeah, it's another one of THOSE posts. But every once in a while strange crap (pardon the pun) happens in the stalls at my office.

So today I walk in when I hear what sounds oddly like a motor in one of the other stalls. I was unsure how to procede. Was there work being done? Was the bathroom now a construction zone and I wasn't told? Had our company somehow tracked down some motorized toilet brushes we were trying out? I'm a little uncomfortable but I sit down in the empty stall anyway. Out of curiousity, I look down to see a pair of feet at the stall next to me, women's shoes. That ruled out construction. I was still considering the motorized toilet brush until another thought popped into my head. What other motorized object would somebody be running in a bathroom? They wouldn't be running THAT KIND of a battery operated object in the company bathroom this early in the morning would they? WOULD THEY? I hear no moaning, but I'm still a tad suspicious. These days you can never tell.

I go to wash my hands and a co-worker pops out of the other stall, brushing her teeth with a motorized toothbrush. She was in the other stall. Brushing her teeth. Brushing. Her. Teeth. Over. A. Toilet. Why would you? How? Did she conduct other business while running the toothbrush? Could she not do both separately? Does she like combining the two activities? I don't understand. I am glad to see that both the motorized toilet brush and the other motorized gadget theory were both discredited, don't get me wrong. But I was also disheartened to find that it happened to be a tooth brush. Look, I'm a fan of oral hygiene don't get me wrong, and I realize that most oral hygiene prep takes place in the bathroom, but unless I'm totally out of bounds, it does not take place over or around a toilet. Furthermore, that sort of activity should NOT be conducted whilest hovering over the crapper. Sometimes my gag meter is a little uncalibrated and I can tend to get grossed out by some strange stuff. I mean Airborne in a glass tends to give me the heebs and tests my reflex more than it should be tested and I have no idea why. It's not like I'm being forced to drink a hair clog or anything but I just can't hack it.

But still, it just seems off somehow. Listen I don't doubt that I haven't done the brush and pee. I can't think of any recent examples, but lets just say I wouldn't put it past myself during my college days. I was living with two dudes. Decorum wasn't a huge issue for myself. And besides, back in those days, most of us probably came face to face with two side effects of the all-night rager; extremely stale beer breathe and an overwhelming urge to pee. I get that truly. But in the work place? Do they, should they really combine? Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe she realized her coffee breathe was kind of menacing the same time that second cup kicked in and it couldn't be helped. There could be any number of circumstances, I don't doubt that.

But here's the kicker. She tried to have a conversation with me as she was finishing up at the sink. Gah! Don't do that! Just don't. There is nothing more annoying than trying to talk to someone with a toothbrush and a head of foam and toothpaste in their mouth who isn't my husband. Because I tend to look at your mouth while you are talking, so I am watching you brush your teeth and talk at the same time, and it ain't an enjoyable thing to watch. In fact it's the opposite of enjoyable. So lady, even though I like you and we get along amiably, I'm asking, I'm begging you; don't conduct your oral hygiene business over the bathroom stall and don't talk to me whilst still in the midst of your oral hygiene business. It's testing my gag reflexes and not in a good way (is there a good way to test gag reflexes? I'd venture that there isn't, but I don't want to find out.). Just don't. Thanks.

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