Will (But Probably Won't) Kill for Green Day tickets

Dear Ticketmaster;

What exactly do I have to do to ensure that I get tickets for the upcoming Green Day show? Just what exactly do I have to do? I've tried jumping through your internet ticketing service hoops, your automated telephone service (their on-hold service? Not the worst, but kind of intolerable. Good Day Mr. Fogelburg. I said good day sir!) to find out what I could do to get tickets before they went on sale to the general public. Yes, I know it's a dick move, but it's the same dick move thousands of The Killers and Queens of the Stone Age fans pulled on me so I couldn't get tickets to their shows the day they went on sale. So this time I was going to take a pro-active role. I was going to find out exactly what it was I had to do to score tickets before they went on sale. And it all ended in this "You can't get tickets unless you have this super secret code and we're not going to give you the code because your not special enough" kind of elementary school popularity contest.

So I'm asking, I'm asking nicely Ticketmaster. Just what do I have to do to ensure I will actually have tickets for this concert, pre-sale or not? Do I have to do some insane "Simon Says" endurance test/competition thing, or maybe you are looking for bribery, or, as I am want to believe, is all of Ticketmaster part of an insane, possibly satanic, cult that requires a flesh sacrifice of some kind before they will dole out tickets? Do some of the Ticketmaster interns require hand-jobs in order for me to get tickets, because if that's the case, I think an Indecent Proposal-esque arrangement between you, Fighting Nun and myself can be arranged. I might even be able to arrange some assassin like training if murdering is what is involved to get tickets.

So TicketMaster, I'm begging, I'm pleading here. What do I have to do?

Wish I was Windsurfing;

The Bloody Munchkin