Dear K-fed, errr I mean Home Slice, uhhh I mean Kevin Federline:
Dude, can we talk about your Spin Interview for a second. Because seriously, we need to talk. I realize I haven't wanted much to do with you, up to and including knowing who you are, but unfortunately that can't be undone, so you've driven me to this.
So, the Spin Interview. Let's start with the cover shall we. When you happen to be the ugliest thing on the cover and you happened to be featured in the same eyeline as Flea's spandexed crotch, then you got a whole mess of problems to contend with, not the least of which is the stooopid fatigue hoodie you happen to be wearing. The other problems happen to be the scary facial hair, the scary hair you've decided to put back with a pony tail and the stupid-ass earrings. Not that you are harboring under these dillusions or anything, but you are not, in fact Claire from The Breakfast Club, so take out the diamonds MmmKay?
Also, when the only nugget of information that the Spin Editors can deem worthy for their front cover happens to be "I didn't pimp Britney.", well not that we needed any more proof but it just sets us all at ease that you didn't pick a career like brain surgery or rocket science.
And the the interview. Good Lawd, the interview. First off, don't blame the media for pushing you into a rap career. First off, if the media and the rest of the world had it's druthers, it wouldn't be pushing you into a rap career but rather into a flea bath and possibly a car wash containing a high-powered water gun, because bro, I'm here to tell you, you look like you've got a layer of grime on you that won't come off and hasn't come off since the Clinton administration. Is it the Red Bull, the Cheetos, or possibly a nefarious concoction of both? Maybe the world will never know.
And how "hawd" was growing up in Fresno anyway? It's Fresno. You make it sound like Compton. It's Fresno for Christ's Sake! I get that you were "rolling with your posse" or whatever, but it couldn't have been that bad. O.k? In this same interview they've got a picture of you in your soccer uniform. Proves your point so succinctly, don't you thing?
Also, "I did the You Got Served movie and all that." There's about seventy-five things I find funny about this statement, all are way too obvious to mention. But I will say this. I have in fact seen You Got Served (don't worry I didn't pay for it, it was on cable), and I did so just to play "Spot the Federline" and try as I might, I couldn't find you. Granted trying to spot the skeazy one with the bad facial hair and the baggy pants wasn't much to go on, because everyone on that movie fit that criteria. But the point is, don't be name dropping a movie you were in when the people watching said movie can't even find YOUR SKEAZY ASS!
Also it should be said, that when spin quotes you directly as saying "y'knowwhatI'msayin'" then you either need to enunciate, or better yet, stop talking altogether.
Take care and shave often;
The Bloody Munchkin