Sunday, May 07, 2006
Kung Fu Breakfast Club
Alternate Titles for this topic:
Kung Fu Hardly Wait
Kung Fu Things I Hate About You
O.k. I need to know something right now. Why, in the world hasn't there been a movie in which the two greatests cinema genres, being Kung Fu and teen comedies, been combined. I'm serious about this.
This weekened has provided me the opportunity to watch two of my favorite genres at work:
the teen comedy and Kung Fu movie. Saturday night I got to watch the most awesomest double feature ever to be devised by man, Kung Fu Hustle and Zatoichi. First of all, I didn't even know about Zatoichi, which I'm holding all of the Internet responsible for. Seriosly, none of ya'll told me this movie existed. What's wrong with you? It's your responsibility to let me know that something as awesome as this existed. But did anyone tell me to watch a movie in which a blind man that was not, repeat WAS NOT, Rutger Fucking Hauer, kicks fucking ass? No! No one told me to watch a fucking kung fu movie involving a blind man who was not Rutger Hauer kick ass. I'd have watched a movie, A KUNG FU movie, well a Samauri movie, not technically a Kung Fu movie (I get that, trust me I do), involving a blind man and a sword kicking FUCKING ass, if only somebody had told me, but NOOOOO!
I had to discover such things for myself on Starz Edge of all places where they decided to play a Kung Fu Hustle, Zatoichi double feature. Now, I know I've mentioned before how much Kung Fu Hustle kicks ass (There are men. With Axes. Dancing. That is all.) But Zatoichi? Kicks Ass! O.k. Sure it's a little stagey, and a little long ( the end choreographed scene. WTF? And the Geisha dancing? Was that really necassary? No, I mean really?). But this movie has some awesome parts. I mean, really awesome parts. And nobody, within the first three years of this movie's existence ever said "Hey, Bloody Munchkin, You need to track down this movie and track down this movie now. " Where were you guys? I'm disappointed.
But then Fighting Nun decided to leave me home alone and with a little bit of a wine festival wine buzz on. Which means I will preceeded directly to the nearest teen movie playing on cable. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200 dollars. The first teen movie to meet my direct gaze happened to be Sky High, which the less said about that the better. Actually, just a little needs to be said about that movie, that little being that Bruce "The Chin" Campbell is in it.That's right, Bruce "The Geriatric Elvis" Campbell is in this movie. Just his mere presence in any movie guarantees that said movie will go up a letter grade. This movie started out a D, but was upgraded to a C+ because of Bruce and also because of the addition of not one but two Kids In The Hall.
But back to the point, why hasn't somebody invented a Kung Fu Teen Movie? If someboy could come up with a hybrid of Kung Fu Hustle and say, Can't Hardly Wait or Clueless, you would have invented the perfect cinematic formula that would require me, The Bloody Munchkin, buying at least fifteen opening weekend tickets, and, AND! dragging The Fighting Nun along. Thats at leat a good 30 opening weekend assured ticket sales. Why hasn't Paramount greenlighted this yet? I'm not kidding here. I'll even write the script. Come On! Give me a chance. It'll kick ass!!!